THE credit crunch has sparked a surge in spread betting in Britain, as people speculate tax-free on the financial markets rather than sink their capital into turbulent stocks.
With no taxes to pay and no commission charges, spread betting has increased in popularity as nervous investors worry about expanding their portfolios of company shares.
Rather than regular betting on a precise outcome, spread betting allows punters to gamble on a range of outcomes, with the accuracy of the wager determining how much is won - or lost.
'We have seen a significant increase in betting numbers and trades in alignment with the volatility in the market,' Mr Peter O'Donovan, head of financial spread betting at PaddyPowertrader.com, told wires agencies.
'We have certainly been busy since July 2008. The turmoil in the market certainly seems to have stimulated our business. Equities and indices are among the busiest sectors,' he said, adding that applications for spread betting accounts have almost doubled over the past 12 months.
Financial spread betting sees punters betting on the rise or fall of currencies, stock markets, shares, futures and metals, without having to pass through stockbrokers and share purchasing paperwork.
The closer the bet is to the result, the bigger the gain, but the further off the mark it is, the higher the loss.
Punters, who must hold accounts with the bookmaker, could even lose more than their original stakes. However, limits are put in place to avoid extreme gains or catastrophic losses.
'Spread betting carries a high level of risk and you may lose more than your initial investment,' said a spokesman for the spread betting information website CleanFinancial.
He added: 'It may not be suitable for all investors. People should speculate with money that they can afford to lose.'
Financial spread betting 'is a tax-free, commission-free alternative to trading shares and financial markets,' Mr O'Donovan said.
'You are essentially betting on the performance of a share, index or commodity. You don't own the share itself, you merely use it as an underlying instrument for your betting.'
The nine-per cent betting tax was scrapped in 2001, but in contrast people buying shares still have to pay stamp duty upon purchase and tax on their dividend at either 10 per cent or 32.5 per cent.
Bookmaker Ladbrokes takes bets on market changes on a five-minute, hourly or daily basis, on currencies, commodities and indices.
'Turnover varies from day to day but on average the figure is approximately 75,000 pounds per day. The five-minute markets are the most popular,' a Ladbrokes spokesman told wires agencies.
Professor Chris Brady and Dr Richard Raymar, from the Cass Business School in London, said in a 2006 report that 400,000 spread betting accounts were open in Britain at the time.
They predicted the figure would hit the million mark in 2011.
CleanFinancial said spread bettors are typically men aged 35 to 55 who work in financial circles, often self-employed. Big banks ban some of their employees from spread betting, the spokesman for the site said.
Irish bookmaker Paddy Power, one of the largest in Britain and no slouch on offering novelty bets, was taking bets on which bank would be next to fall, but suspended such betting in mid-September.
At the time, the largest bet - 5,000 euros (S$9,579) - was on Washington Mutual at odds of 4-9. The savings bank collapsed on September 25. Its closure and receivership is the largest bank failure in US financial history.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Forget hotels, just rent a flat
A SINGAPOREAN based in New York has hit upon an unconventional way of renting out accommodation to travellers, harnessing the power of the Internet and social networking sites.
Entrepreneur Teo Jia En, 26, and her Italian boyfriend Federico Folcia, 29, have launched a website, www.roomorama.com, offering travellers shortterm accommodation in people's apartments in New York, Chicago, Boston and Toronto.
It means home owners who are often away for reasons such as business can earn spare cash from their vacant apartments.
This alternative accommodation is up to 60 per cent cheaper than hotel rooms in New York, according to the site.
For example, a nightly stay in an apartment in Tribeca, a hip neighbourhood in lower Manhattan, costs about US$191 ($287), 40 per cent cheaper than a hotel in the same area.
Ms Teo says: 'It's great for people who are sick of hotels and want a break from touristy spots in the city. They can also explore places from a local's point of view.'
She came up with the idea after her frequent travels for work left her own apartment in New York City vacant for weeks. To earn extra cash, she started renting it out a few days at a time to holiday-makers wanting an affordable place to stay.
Ms Teo and Mr Folcia then realised the idea had more potential and co-founded Roomorama.com in July. They even ditched their day jobs as account managers in Bloomberg, a financial information and media company.
The business is 'not profitable yet', she says, but she expects it will break even in the next three to four months.
Entrepreneur Teo Jia En, 26, and her Italian boyfriend Federico Folcia, 29, have launched a website, www.roomorama.com, offering travellers shortterm accommodation in people's apartments in New York, Chicago, Boston and Toronto.
It means home owners who are often away for reasons such as business can earn spare cash from their vacant apartments.
This alternative accommodation is up to 60 per cent cheaper than hotel rooms in New York, according to the site.
For example, a nightly stay in an apartment in Tribeca, a hip neighbourhood in lower Manhattan, costs about US$191 ($287), 40 per cent cheaper than a hotel in the same area.
Ms Teo says: 'It's great for people who are sick of hotels and want a break from touristy spots in the city. They can also explore places from a local's point of view.'
She came up with the idea after her frequent travels for work left her own apartment in New York City vacant for weeks. To earn extra cash, she started renting it out a few days at a time to holiday-makers wanting an affordable place to stay.
Ms Teo and Mr Folcia then realised the idea had more potential and co-founded Roomorama.com in July. They even ditched their day jobs as account managers in Bloomberg, a financial information and media company.
The business is 'not profitable yet', she says, but she expects it will break even in the next three to four months.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
创毛巾操、吃有机蔬菜 王永庆长寿有秘诀
经营之王永庆虽然病逝，但是享寿92岁的他，其实已经相当长寿，他的养生法向来让外界相当好奇，他到底怎么保养身体？其实是从外到内他都很重视，不管是他的毛巾操、还是吃的有机蔬菜，都是让他能够这么长寿的原因。
王永庆三房长女婿杨定一，现任长庚生技董事长，不少人慕名来学养生操，因为这个养生操大家长王永庆都跟着做。简单几个动作，里面却有大学问，强调拉直伸展，和王永庆练了几十年的毛巾操有些类似。
王永庆女婿杨定一曾在2007年12月17日说过：「有人讲我年纪太大了，我七十几、八十岁，我说那你到一百岁都需要做，你一定要长肌肉，长肌肉它可以带动一切身体的代谢。」台塑王家强调身体要动不停，也难怪每年运动会5000公尺，全家都会下场跑。王永庆三房长女王瑞华也是每天都跑差不多3500公尺，就连王永庆也一直到八十几岁高龄之後，才停止这项激烈运动。
重视养生术，只要能延年益寿，王永庆都很舍得，他还有一个巨大化石叫做奇木精髓，是纽西兰的南贝壳杉化石，就算要价上亿元，他也毫不考虑买下来。
这么大手笔，看准的就是这个化石的能量，外传王永庆跟三娘李宝珠之前起床都会抱抱这个奇木精髓，藉此吸取日月精华，让身体充满活力，甚至还传出三房李宝珠的亲戚，在南部的庙里祈福，就为了帮王永庆延寿。
但是要高龄长寿，当然还是靠饮食，年轻时他就在顶楼菜园自己种菜，非有机不吃，还要喝能量水排毒，随时补充营养品，90多岁他还能常常出国考察，身体硬朗，让不少人对他的养生之道很佩服。
王永庆三房长女婿杨定一，现任长庚生技董事长，不少人慕名来学养生操，因为这个养生操大家长王永庆都跟着做。简单几个动作，里面却有大学问，强调拉直伸展，和王永庆练了几十年的毛巾操有些类似。
王永庆女婿杨定一曾在2007年12月17日说过：「有人讲我年纪太大了，我七十几、八十岁，我说那你到一百岁都需要做，你一定要长肌肉，长肌肉它可以带动一切身体的代谢。」台塑王家强调身体要动不停，也难怪每年运动会5000公尺，全家都会下场跑。王永庆三房长女王瑞华也是每天都跑差不多3500公尺，就连王永庆也一直到八十几岁高龄之後，才停止这项激烈运动。
重视养生术，只要能延年益寿，王永庆都很舍得，他还有一个巨大化石叫做奇木精髓，是纽西兰的南贝壳杉化石，就算要价上亿元，他也毫不考虑买下来。
这么大手笔，看准的就是这个化石的能量，外传王永庆跟三娘李宝珠之前起床都会抱抱这个奇木精髓，藉此吸取日月精华，让身体充满活力，甚至还传出三房李宝珠的亲戚，在南部的庙里祈福，就为了帮王永庆延寿。
但是要高龄长寿，当然还是靠饮食，年轻时他就在顶楼菜园自己种菜，非有机不吃，还要喝能量水排毒，随时补充营养品，90多岁他还能常常出国考察，身体硬朗，让不少人对他的养生之道很佩服。
王永庆养生有道！半碗饭不贪吃、早睡早起
台塑集团董事长王永庆，素有「台湾经营之神」美誉，不只经营企业有一套，他对于养生、时间的运用有独特之道！包括自创的毛巾操、医生女婿杨定一的养生操，只吃自种的有机蔬菜、维持慢跑习惯直到80多岁等，都让他的养生方法教人津津乐道！
他自创的知名毛巾操，每天就从清晨2点开始，住在台塑企业集团总部13楼顶楼的王永庆起床后，便开始1个小时打坐，并开始做拿手的毛巾操，在宁静的清晨开始他一天计画。直到6时半到8点多，王永庆会再睡个「回笼觉」，醒来后，就会感觉一天神清气爽，头脑特别清明。
上午忙完公事告个段落后，中午他会楼上住家吃饭、休息，不过他吃得清淡简单，半碗饭、半个鱼头、半根香蕉就完成中餐，他也吃台塑自种的有机蔬菜，每天晚上9时前一定上床睡觉，维持规律的作息更是他的坚持。
饮食方面王永庆不「贪」，吃饭时绝不因为餐桌上有多少种类、有多麽好吃的山珍海味而暴饮暴食，他永远维持吃半碗饭，虽然他对任何餐点不忌口，但是秉持原则是吃的少、不过量，而且要细嚼慢咽。
对自己的生活，王永庆坚持「自在、合理，就好。」他认为没辛苦，就没健康，以如此的养生哲学搭配上他经营企业的精神，他不断实践，所以尽管每年顶着太阳，不论家人、公司员工，甚至医生的劝阻，一直到80几岁的高龄，他仍坚持跑完5000公尺。
除了众所周知的毛巾操外，医生女婿杨定一也创养生操，以及筹备的「长庚生技身心灵转化中心」，这些王永庆也都亲身体验，不只王永庆会利用此处纾压，对营运绩效盯的紧的同时，他更重视员工健康。「把事做好、把身体养好」就是台塑主管的两大责任，因此，女婿、女儿主导的长庚生技，就是秉持「将健康落实在生病之前」的精神。
他自创的知名毛巾操，每天就从清晨2点开始，住在台塑企业集团总部13楼顶楼的王永庆起床后，便开始1个小时打坐，并开始做拿手的毛巾操，在宁静的清晨开始他一天计画。直到6时半到8点多，王永庆会再睡个「回笼觉」，醒来后，就会感觉一天神清气爽，头脑特别清明。
上午忙完公事告个段落后，中午他会楼上住家吃饭、休息，不过他吃得清淡简单，半碗饭、半个鱼头、半根香蕉就完成中餐，他也吃台塑自种的有机蔬菜，每天晚上9时前一定上床睡觉，维持规律的作息更是他的坚持。
饮食方面王永庆不「贪」，吃饭时绝不因为餐桌上有多少种类、有多麽好吃的山珍海味而暴饮暴食，他永远维持吃半碗饭，虽然他对任何餐点不忌口，但是秉持原则是吃的少、不过量，而且要细嚼慢咽。
对自己的生活，王永庆坚持「自在、合理，就好。」他认为没辛苦，就没健康，以如此的养生哲学搭配上他经营企业的精神，他不断实践，所以尽管每年顶着太阳，不论家人、公司员工，甚至医生的劝阻，一直到80几岁的高龄，他仍坚持跑完5000公尺。
除了众所周知的毛巾操外，医生女婿杨定一也创养生操，以及筹备的「长庚生技身心灵转化中心」，这些王永庆也都亲身体验，不只王永庆会利用此处纾压，对营运绩效盯的紧的同时，他更重视员工健康。「把事做好、把身体养好」就是台塑主管的两大责任，因此，女婿、女儿主导的长庚生技，就是秉持「将健康落实在生病之前」的精神。
Friday, October 24, 2008
Dating Diaries: 10 dating red flags
When determining if you should let things get serious, remember: actions speak louder than words. With that being said, here are ten dating red flags. If you see any of these, do yourself a favor and reconsider if it's worth it for you.
1. You are not on the VIP list for breaking news
Were you the last to learn about this person's job promotion or newborn niece or nephew? Once things are serious, you should be among the first to know about exciting news, or bad news.
2. They avoid meeting your family or friends
If they are shying away from meeting your friends/family consistently, then there are problems. Even if they are very shy, they should want to meet those who are important to you.
3. They don't make any sacrifices
Healthy relationships don't require bending over backwards all the time, but a certain amount of sacrifice is necessary in a selfless union. When two of my friends first started dating one another, she demanded that he go to Farm Aid for her birthday, which was also the opening NFL football Sunday. While all the guys gathered to watch the games, he was sweltering on some field attending Farm Aid -- an event he never would have gone to if she hadn't have invited him. Now that's sacrifice.
4. They can't fit in your future
I admit it. When I meet girls, I envision future moments I may some day share with them. Most of my scenarios are her with me and my family at a Thanksgiving holiday or at a summer crabfeast. If I'm really into her, I usually relish the thought. If not, I kinda cringe.
5. They are too controlling
It's scary but I've seen many relationships where guys forbid girls to hang out with certain friends, or wear certain clothes. Major problem if someone is controlling you and not allowing you to be who you want to be within a relationship.
6. The "what are we" conversation fails miserably
Almost every relationship hits that crossroads where you both decide if it's worth taking the plunge into being exclusive and calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend. If they are confused and surprised that you're ready to get serious, the timing is not right, and you should try to figure out how long you want to wait around until they are ready.
7. They talk about plans that don't involve you
My sister has major wanderlust. She's always talking about heading off to Chicago or living in London for a year. She often talks about these things with no regard for the fact that she has a boyfriend at the time. If you find that someone is making plans or talking about far off places without inviting you along for the ride, don't let yourself get too into this person.
8. Your friends or family don't like them
Remember that your friends and family know you best. Don't take their thoughts with a grain of salt. It's one thing if a person or two don't get along with your significant other, but if a lot of them are saying you should reconsider, then do it. Unfortunately, we often find out about how much our friends hated that person after this person is gone.
9. They violated your trust
Whether it's cheating or a little lie that they got caught in, it will be hard to regain trust. Trust is something we don't give away easily, and once it's gone it's hard to get it back. We'll always be wondering about that lie, and doubt will creep in more and more as our minds fixate on that lie. Too often, people take trust for granted and once they lose it they never get it back.
10. You practice "unbalanced dating"
Are you always seeing his friends or doing things that he wants to do? Do you just let him pick the restaurants and events? Or is it the other way around? Relationships are fun when you are both able to contribute. If you're not taking turns creating fun times together, it will most likely fizzle out.
What would you add to the list? Ever been a victim of any of these red flags?
1. You are not on the VIP list for breaking news
Were you the last to learn about this person's job promotion or newborn niece or nephew? Once things are serious, you should be among the first to know about exciting news, or bad news.
2. They avoid meeting your family or friends
If they are shying away from meeting your friends/family consistently, then there are problems. Even if they are very shy, they should want to meet those who are important to you.
3. They don't make any sacrifices
Healthy relationships don't require bending over backwards all the time, but a certain amount of sacrifice is necessary in a selfless union. When two of my friends first started dating one another, she demanded that he go to Farm Aid for her birthday, which was also the opening NFL football Sunday. While all the guys gathered to watch the games, he was sweltering on some field attending Farm Aid -- an event he never would have gone to if she hadn't have invited him. Now that's sacrifice.
4. They can't fit in your future
I admit it. When I meet girls, I envision future moments I may some day share with them. Most of my scenarios are her with me and my family at a Thanksgiving holiday or at a summer crabfeast. If I'm really into her, I usually relish the thought. If not, I kinda cringe.
5. They are too controlling
It's scary but I've seen many relationships where guys forbid girls to hang out with certain friends, or wear certain clothes. Major problem if someone is controlling you and not allowing you to be who you want to be within a relationship.
6. The "what are we" conversation fails miserably
Almost every relationship hits that crossroads where you both decide if it's worth taking the plunge into being exclusive and calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend. If they are confused and surprised that you're ready to get serious, the timing is not right, and you should try to figure out how long you want to wait around until they are ready.
7. They talk about plans that don't involve you
My sister has major wanderlust. She's always talking about heading off to Chicago or living in London for a year. She often talks about these things with no regard for the fact that she has a boyfriend at the time. If you find that someone is making plans or talking about far off places without inviting you along for the ride, don't let yourself get too into this person.
8. Your friends or family don't like them
Remember that your friends and family know you best. Don't take their thoughts with a grain of salt. It's one thing if a person or two don't get along with your significant other, but if a lot of them are saying you should reconsider, then do it. Unfortunately, we often find out about how much our friends hated that person after this person is gone.
9. They violated your trust
Whether it's cheating or a little lie that they got caught in, it will be hard to regain trust. Trust is something we don't give away easily, and once it's gone it's hard to get it back. We'll always be wondering about that lie, and doubt will creep in more and more as our minds fixate on that lie. Too often, people take trust for granted and once they lose it they never get it back.
10. You practice "unbalanced dating"
Are you always seeing his friends or doing things that he wants to do? Do you just let him pick the restaurants and events? Or is it the other way around? Relationships are fun when you are both able to contribute. If you're not taking turns creating fun times together, it will most likely fizzle out.
What would you add to the list? Ever been a victim of any of these red flags?
10 things NOT to say on a first date
First dates are stressful, period. You don't want to lie or stretch the truth per se, but you also don't want to send your date running off to hail a cab before you've even ordered the cheese plate. Basically, the goals of a successful first date are to reveal that adorable, endearing part of yourself, learn more about the stranger sitting across from you, and to see if there is any connection between you two crazy kids. Obviously, it's important to be honest, but some of the more intimate parts of you are well, sorta personal, and no one's forcing you to spill all the beans. (Besides, everybody is intrigued by a little mystery and you want to save something for the second and third dates, right?) We don't really believe there are any hard and fast rules when it comes to dating, and despite what movies would have you think, there is no such thing as the "perfect date," so take these with a grain of salt. Still, here's hoping you find a couple of them helpful, and good luck out there.
1. "My ex is crazy."
There's a fine line between love and hate, but both are equally fueled by passion. If someone even mentions their ex on a first date, watch out, you could be entering into a three-way relationship. Brace yourself: drama ahead! Anyway, if you're not over your ex, keep it to yourself. Your date certainly doesn't want to hear about it.
2. "I would like to get married and have kids asap."
Slow. That. Roll. Whether you're a man or a woman, uttering those words automatically puts pressure on an already delicate, stressful meeting, not to mention the fact that it's a foolproof way to scare someone off and fast.
3. "Who are you voting for?"
There's a saying in the south about not bringing up politics or religion in polite company. Plenty of couples don't always share political (or religious) views, and learn to make things work. But when you're trying to make a good first impression, it's probably best to avoid overly emotional topics in order to avoid a sparring match. (Look at it this way, if you become a couple, you'll have plenty of opportunities to fight later!)
4. "Can you pay the check? I'm broke."
Hey, the economy is in the toilet. Of course you're broke. We're all broke. But common courtesy dictates that the person who did the date asking offer to pay the bill. Chances are, if your date has good manners, they'll offer to split it or pay the tip. Let's face it, gone are the days where the guy automatically must pay for dinner or he's a loser. But no matter what the circumstances are, flat out asking your date to pay the bill is a major turn-off.
5. "What's your favorite TV show?"
C'mon, we can do better than that. Asking about hobbies and other interests can lead to great conversation, but the last message you want to convey is that your favorite activity is watching the tube with a tub of ice cream. Save talking about "America's Next Top Model" for the work water cooler or something.
6. "Where did you go to school?"
Believe it or not, many people didn't go to college, and totally resent being put on the spot with this tired old question. And while plenty of grads are happy to wax on and on about their "glory years" or whatever, it's probably better to ask something like, "Have you always lived here?" "How did you choose your career?" or another more general question that might lead you to discussing educational background. Again, it may seem strange, but for all kinds of reasons, a lot of people have negative knee-jerk reactions to this seemingly innocuous question.
7. "Can I take your picture?"
Creepy much? But yeah, I have girlfriends who've been waylaid by this gem. For real. Maybe it's the thought of him showing his buddies your photo and bragging about bagging you, or even the image of him fawning over your pic tacked up on one of those cray-cray serial killer wall collages. Either way, ick.
8. "I'm poly-(fill in the blank)"
There are folks who are polyamorous (def: the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved); polygamist (def: the practice of marriage to more than one spouse simultaneously); and yes, some are even polyester salesmen (def: dudes who peddle chintzy wares). Right then. Unless you met that person on a "special" site devoted to that kind of stuff, chances are your date won't appreciate your um, open-minded ways.
9. "So I just got out of rehab."
So maybe you have some personal problems you've been working on. Perhaps you've been in therapy since you were 13 years old. Whatever the case may be, it's probably best not to introduce your new romantic interest to your BIG, SCARY ISSUES, at least not yet. Everybody has problems big and small, but the first date is more about showing off your personality, not painting yourself as a psychotic addict (even if you are, just a smidge). Note: If you are seriously in the midst of a personal crisis, and that includes excessive drug use and/or major psychological treatment, not to be all judgey, but you probably shouldn't be on a date right now.
10. "So ya wanna come back to my place?"
Not everyone is old-fashioned about first dates. The right time to sleep with someone is up to you, but numerous informal polls, um, around the office show that when a guy propositions a woman for sex on the first date, she tends to get skeeved, and when a girl does the same, many dudes are likely to file her in the one night stand category. Double standard? Sure. And yes, some couples do have sex on the first date and there is nothing wrong with that. But I think you know what I'm sayin'...
1. "My ex is crazy."
There's a fine line between love and hate, but both are equally fueled by passion. If someone even mentions their ex on a first date, watch out, you could be entering into a three-way relationship. Brace yourself: drama ahead! Anyway, if you're not over your ex, keep it to yourself. Your date certainly doesn't want to hear about it.
2. "I would like to get married and have kids asap."
Slow. That. Roll. Whether you're a man or a woman, uttering those words automatically puts pressure on an already delicate, stressful meeting, not to mention the fact that it's a foolproof way to scare someone off and fast.
3. "Who are you voting for?"
There's a saying in the south about not bringing up politics or religion in polite company. Plenty of couples don't always share political (or religious) views, and learn to make things work. But when you're trying to make a good first impression, it's probably best to avoid overly emotional topics in order to avoid a sparring match. (Look at it this way, if you become a couple, you'll have plenty of opportunities to fight later!)
4. "Can you pay the check? I'm broke."
Hey, the economy is in the toilet. Of course you're broke. We're all broke. But common courtesy dictates that the person who did the date asking offer to pay the bill. Chances are, if your date has good manners, they'll offer to split it or pay the tip. Let's face it, gone are the days where the guy automatically must pay for dinner or he's a loser. But no matter what the circumstances are, flat out asking your date to pay the bill is a major turn-off.
5. "What's your favorite TV show?"
C'mon, we can do better than that. Asking about hobbies and other interests can lead to great conversation, but the last message you want to convey is that your favorite activity is watching the tube with a tub of ice cream. Save talking about "America's Next Top Model" for the work water cooler or something.
6. "Where did you go to school?"
Believe it or not, many people didn't go to college, and totally resent being put on the spot with this tired old question. And while plenty of grads are happy to wax on and on about their "glory years" or whatever, it's probably better to ask something like, "Have you always lived here?" "How did you choose your career?" or another more general question that might lead you to discussing educational background. Again, it may seem strange, but for all kinds of reasons, a lot of people have negative knee-jerk reactions to this seemingly innocuous question.
7. "Can I take your picture?"
Creepy much? But yeah, I have girlfriends who've been waylaid by this gem. For real. Maybe it's the thought of him showing his buddies your photo and bragging about bagging you, or even the image of him fawning over your pic tacked up on one of those cray-cray serial killer wall collages. Either way, ick.
8. "I'm poly-(fill in the blank)"
There are folks who are polyamorous (def: the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved); polygamist (def: the practice of marriage to more than one spouse simultaneously); and yes, some are even polyester salesmen (def: dudes who peddle chintzy wares). Right then. Unless you met that person on a "special" site devoted to that kind of stuff, chances are your date won't appreciate your um, open-minded ways.
9. "So I just got out of rehab."
So maybe you have some personal problems you've been working on. Perhaps you've been in therapy since you were 13 years old. Whatever the case may be, it's probably best not to introduce your new romantic interest to your BIG, SCARY ISSUES, at least not yet. Everybody has problems big and small, but the first date is more about showing off your personality, not painting yourself as a psychotic addict (even if you are, just a smidge). Note: If you are seriously in the midst of a personal crisis, and that includes excessive drug use and/or major psychological treatment, not to be all judgey, but you probably shouldn't be on a date right now.
10. "So ya wanna come back to my place?"
Not everyone is old-fashioned about first dates. The right time to sleep with someone is up to you, but numerous informal polls, um, around the office show that when a guy propositions a woman for sex on the first date, she tends to get skeeved, and when a girl does the same, many dudes are likely to file her in the one night stand category. Double standard? Sure. And yes, some couples do have sex on the first date and there is nothing wrong with that. But I think you know what I'm sayin'...
Top Ten 1/2 First Date Tips
Dating can be one of the most stressful things you can do, but I have some tips that will ease the stress and hopefully make it more enjoyable. Because really that is what it is all about! Here they are!
1. Information. Find out where you are going so you can dress appropriately. What’s appropriate? Dressed up (sun dress, skirt) for dinner, dressed down (jeans, cute t-shirt) for horseback riding. The last thing you want to do is go horseback riding in a dress!! This is also important so you can know what extras to bring. So, if you are going to the beach you can have your swimsuit ready.
2. Questions. Have some questions ready for the conversation. Chances are you have met your date before so you know a little about what they do and are into. If you do not know, ask around to gather some information. That way if you are at loss for words you can always say something like “How do you like working at _______?” or “What is World of Warcraft?”
3. Passions. This goes with number 2. Talk about passions you know you share (see how questions come in handy) “The packers totally should have won against the giants if it weren’t for the terrible weather” People like to talk about themselves and their passions. So if you share a passion talk about it!!
4. Unique. Now this date is not all about the other person either. They want to know what is interesting about you so if you have something unique or just something you are really into Talk about it. The passion will come through and really impress your date. : )
5. Humor. No I don’t mean have a stand up routine ready. What I mean is be able to laugh. Sometimes we get so nervous that we tend to take everything so seriously. Being able to laugh when something is funny will make it more comfortable for the both of you and you have a lot more fun as a result. Now I say when something is funny because one of the worst things you could do is the fake laugh the he he he. Don’t do that! :)
6. Go with the flow. If something doesn’t go right on the date let it go this really is a lesson for life in general. For example if you asked for a steak cooked medium and your steak is mooing because it is so raw ask the server politely if they will cook it a little longer and then let it go. You are there to have fun and if you are worried about everything else that is going on around you, you will be miserable and so will your date.
6.5 Be nice. If he opens the car door for you, unlock his door for him. Don’t order the lobster, truffle steak dinner for $150 (unless you are paying), when he is ordering the spaghetti for $8. Be considerate and nice. You don’t want to take advantage of him trying to impress you by emptying his bank account or ordering him around!!!!
7. Be Yourself. One of the worst things you can do is want to be with your date so much that you start acting different because that is what you think they want and like. Think about it for a second. Let’s say you are goth and happy to be goth but you are about to go on a date with the preppy guy in your class. So you, thinking that he will only like you that way, start acting preppy. You get the clothes, the haircut, and everything else you think a preppy is. Maybe your first date he thinks he got to know who you are and you both have a wonderful time. Well at least he does who knows how you did(acting can be hard work). Such a wonderful time that you are now dating. How long do you think you are going to be happy acting like a prep when who you are is goth? When all you want to do is listen to goth music and the top 40 station is playing 24/7? You won’t be happy and ultimately the most important person is You. No matter how wonderful he is or what he does for you in the end no one person can bring you true happiness unless you are happy with yourself and pretending to be something other than who you are is the complete opposite of happy. You didn’t give yourself the chance to be who you are and let him see that as well. He could have been even more into you as a goth then as a prep. You underestimated yourself and him all because you didn’t think you who are was enough. Never think you are not enough and if you think it respond with I am more than enough because you are! Let me say it again just to make sure it sticks BE YOURSELF!
8. Fun. Really life is about having fun. Whoever said it is about work is a sad individual. We look forward to fun and are consistently seeking it out. So if you are out on a date have fun with it. Even if it is the worse date you could ever have everything went wrong you will never go out with him again. Just have fun with it. You are in the situation anyway and you might as well make the most of it. Get the dessert!! Smile. Just have fun and if it is a good date and you want to go out with him again chances are you will because fun is contagious. And who doesn’t want to hang out with a fun person.
9. Safety. Be safe do only what you feel comfortable with. Just because I told you to go with the flow and have fun does not mean I want you to be unsafe or do something you are uncomfortable with. You can certainly have fun and go with the flow safely!! Listen to your gut if something doesn’t seem right even if your mind (or other people) are telling you to do it DON’T!!!! Your intuition is one of your most important tools and it is there to guide you and keep you safe. I know I don’t have to tell you this but just in case, watch your drinks (if you go to the bathroom, get a new one when you come back), stay alert (that means don’t get high or drunk), don’t go to an area you are not familiar with and with unfamiliar people and just be cautious. Just because you think you know someone cause you have hung out a couple times does not mean you do. This is not meant to be a damper but you never know and until you know you should be cautious.
10. Second Date. If you felt the sparks fly and would love to go on a second date ask for it. Say “I really had a good time we should do this again.” This puts the ball in their court so that if they want a second date they can say ” I agree. What are you doing Monday?” If the date didn’t go as planned, it’s OK smile, just know your prince charming is coming soon and if you are not smiling how will he find you? :)
1. Information. Find out where you are going so you can dress appropriately. What’s appropriate? Dressed up (sun dress, skirt) for dinner, dressed down (jeans, cute t-shirt) for horseback riding. The last thing you want to do is go horseback riding in a dress!! This is also important so you can know what extras to bring. So, if you are going to the beach you can have your swimsuit ready.
2. Questions. Have some questions ready for the conversation. Chances are you have met your date before so you know a little about what they do and are into. If you do not know, ask around to gather some information. That way if you are at loss for words you can always say something like “How do you like working at _______?” or “What is World of Warcraft?”
3. Passions. This goes with number 2. Talk about passions you know you share (see how questions come in handy) “The packers totally should have won against the giants if it weren’t for the terrible weather” People like to talk about themselves and their passions. So if you share a passion talk about it!!
4. Unique. Now this date is not all about the other person either. They want to know what is interesting about you so if you have something unique or just something you are really into Talk about it. The passion will come through and really impress your date. : )
5. Humor. No I don’t mean have a stand up routine ready. What I mean is be able to laugh. Sometimes we get so nervous that we tend to take everything so seriously. Being able to laugh when something is funny will make it more comfortable for the both of you and you have a lot more fun as a result. Now I say when something is funny because one of the worst things you could do is the fake laugh the he he he. Don’t do that! :)
6. Go with the flow. If something doesn’t go right on the date let it go this really is a lesson for life in general. For example if you asked for a steak cooked medium and your steak is mooing because it is so raw ask the server politely if they will cook it a little longer and then let it go. You are there to have fun and if you are worried about everything else that is going on around you, you will be miserable and so will your date.
6.5 Be nice. If he opens the car door for you, unlock his door for him. Don’t order the lobster, truffle steak dinner for $150 (unless you are paying), when he is ordering the spaghetti for $8. Be considerate and nice. You don’t want to take advantage of him trying to impress you by emptying his bank account or ordering him around!!!!
7. Be Yourself. One of the worst things you can do is want to be with your date so much that you start acting different because that is what you think they want and like. Think about it for a second. Let’s say you are goth and happy to be goth but you are about to go on a date with the preppy guy in your class. So you, thinking that he will only like you that way, start acting preppy. You get the clothes, the haircut, and everything else you think a preppy is. Maybe your first date he thinks he got to know who you are and you both have a wonderful time. Well at least he does who knows how you did(acting can be hard work). Such a wonderful time that you are now dating. How long do you think you are going to be happy acting like a prep when who you are is goth? When all you want to do is listen to goth music and the top 40 station is playing 24/7? You won’t be happy and ultimately the most important person is You. No matter how wonderful he is or what he does for you in the end no one person can bring you true happiness unless you are happy with yourself and pretending to be something other than who you are is the complete opposite of happy. You didn’t give yourself the chance to be who you are and let him see that as well. He could have been even more into you as a goth then as a prep. You underestimated yourself and him all because you didn’t think you who are was enough. Never think you are not enough and if you think it respond with I am more than enough because you are! Let me say it again just to make sure it sticks BE YOURSELF!
8. Fun. Really life is about having fun. Whoever said it is about work is a sad individual. We look forward to fun and are consistently seeking it out. So if you are out on a date have fun with it. Even if it is the worse date you could ever have everything went wrong you will never go out with him again. Just have fun with it. You are in the situation anyway and you might as well make the most of it. Get the dessert!! Smile. Just have fun and if it is a good date and you want to go out with him again chances are you will because fun is contagious. And who doesn’t want to hang out with a fun person.
9. Safety. Be safe do only what you feel comfortable with. Just because I told you to go with the flow and have fun does not mean I want you to be unsafe or do something you are uncomfortable with. You can certainly have fun and go with the flow safely!! Listen to your gut if something doesn’t seem right even if your mind (or other people) are telling you to do it DON’T!!!! Your intuition is one of your most important tools and it is there to guide you and keep you safe. I know I don’t have to tell you this but just in case, watch your drinks (if you go to the bathroom, get a new one when you come back), stay alert (that means don’t get high or drunk), don’t go to an area you are not familiar with and with unfamiliar people and just be cautious. Just because you think you know someone cause you have hung out a couple times does not mean you do. This is not meant to be a damper but you never know and until you know you should be cautious.
10. Second Date. If you felt the sparks fly and would love to go on a second date ask for it. Say “I really had a good time we should do this again.” This puts the ball in their court so that if they want a second date they can say ” I agree. What are you doing Monday?” If the date didn’t go as planned, it’s OK smile, just know your prince charming is coming soon and if you are not smiling how will he find you? :)
Sunday, October 19, 2008
"My husband could have been African for all I care"
39-year-old Pamela Schoebel-Pattiselanno, who's father is Indonesian and mother is Chinese, met her German husband, Andreas Schoebel, 42, when she worked in Singapore for a German company. He was then her sales director.
Despite differences in culture and the difficulty of pursuing a long-distance relationship, the pair are now happily married and even held as an example of a couple with "rock-steady marriage" among their friends. So AsiaOne asked her if foreign was better.
Pamela shares her story:
"I met Andy in Singapore. He was my Sales Director from the German company I was working for. We've spoken on the phone with each other before, since we had sales conference calls every two months or so.
He appeared one day in the office, but it wasn't love at first sight. I thought him good looking and nice, but he lived in Germany, which was approximately 10,980 km away. It was too far!
Then we met again in Los Angeles a couple of months later at a conference. One thing led to another, but we didn't continue seeing each other after leaving LA. I guess it was on "neutral" grounds, and I didn't feel much of an attachment to him. He left after that, and so did I.
But when I came back to Singapore, he called me everyday.
Two weeks later, he decided to come back to Singapore to "prove" his intentions for me, and the romance began from there!
But when it came to dating, it's a bit hard when your boyfriend is in another country and you only get to see him every two months. and we dated for for a year and a half. It was then that I knew how far Singapore is from Germany! We would count down the distance, the months, the hours, the minutes and the seconds until we saw each other again. It was very trying attempting to quell an argument over the phone. It was emotionally very draining.
It was also not cheap travelling to and fro. Plus, can you imagine the house and handphone bills?
After a year and a half, he was back in Singapore, but getting ready to leave again. I was out in the living room, feeling particularly sad as he was going to leave. But he came to me, knelt on one knee and said: "Make me the happiest man and marry me, please."
I said "Yes, of course". But then came the doubts.
When I moved to Germany with him, the culture and the language were big barriers!
My husband runs his own IT company and cannot be with me often. Being a very open-minded person, I went out and found my own way. I went back to school, enrolled myself in German classes and graduated quite well.
But I always had problems when people looked at us. You see, there are many marriages here in Germany, with men who "buy" Thai women, like mail-order brides. I am quite tanned, so these Europeans think we are all the same. You can be a Korean, Japanese, Thai, Vietnamese or Chinese, but it doesn't matter as they have no idea what Asians look like.
I developed an inferiority complex, thinking that others might believe I was a 'bought' Thai woman. On a side note, these Germans who have Thai and Vietnamese wives who have a very big say in the women's lives here. I have heard some horror stories.
Having said that, I am blessed with a lovely family here. If it was not for my motherin-law, I would have left Germany in the first two years that I arrived.
The couple during a Chinese New Year celebration
But my husband and I have grown a lot since then. He is my rock and vice versa. We have been quoted as an example of a rock-steady marriage by friends. They say: "If Andy and Pam can work it out, then so can we, what with them being from opposite ends of the cultural divide."
Even then, I didn't know he was The One at first, until something happened four years ago after we were married. In fact, this is my second marriage. It was my father who encouraged me to marry Andy. He had met Andy at that time and knew that he would make me happy, unlike my ex-husband. I guess parents know what's best for their child!
But my mum, who is Chinese, did have her reservations. She cried a lot then. And my sister - I'm the youngest among three siblings, was upset too. But she had good reason, as she had just given birth to her first child. I extended my stay for another three months to be with her, but it was very hard to leave them.
I knew Andy was The One when I had some medical problems which left me infertile four years back. I was in and out of the hospital for about six weeks. It was not easy without your family by your side. During this trying time, Andy never wavered. He only grew stronger for the both of us and became unbelievably patient.
He actually told me that I was his heroine when I was back home recuperating! He showed renewed faith and respect for me, and also told me that he knew then that I was the woman he would grow old with, and hopefully we would die in each other's arms.
I don't think I have loved that fiercely before. What all those Hallmark cards say about love - it is true. Love is unconditional and does not judge.
Married life now is simply grand! We have settled into a groove, which I guess couples do after a while. We even look similar - like they say, we have fu qi xiang (compatible looks)!
But my family and friends here have played a big role in helping me assimilate into my new country. if I didn't have their support of them, our relationship might not have lasted. The biggest barrier was the language. Maybe you're not aware, but German isn't the easiest language to learn!
I became a German citizen two years ago, and I had no bad feelings leaving my Singapore passport behind. My father used to say - What's the difference? It's not like you would ever look German. And it's just travel documents!"
There was also another reason, albeit more minor - why I left HDB would not allow me to buy anything else except a three-room flat as I am not paying Singapore taxes and I contribute to the German system etc, so why should they give me priority?
So when i gave my passport back, I took back my money from CPF and we used that to buy a lovely house here, which we are moving into by next month. So yes, we are happy!
No, I don't think non-Singaporeans make for better life partners. It's who you are with that matters. I was married to a Singaporean Chinese-Eurasian, and that lasted about two years. Andy is circumstantial - he could have been African, for all I care!
I am the first foreigner Andy has ever dated, but he does not think about racial differences between us. I asked Andy for his thoughts earlier on whether a foreigner made for a better life partner. He said: "I only know ONE really well, besides your family, honey."
He thinks I am who I am, just slightly different because of my upbringing and culture.
He has learnt a lot about family ties from me - he supports and understands me 100 percent when it comes to sending money home to my parents every month. Sometimes, he thinks that Caucasians could learn a thing or two from Asians.
However, he believes that we have lots to learn from each other, and he knows that he and his family has changed their views as well since we got together and got married."
Despite differences in culture and the difficulty of pursuing a long-distance relationship, the pair are now happily married and even held as an example of a couple with "rock-steady marriage" among their friends. So AsiaOne asked her if foreign was better.
Pamela shares her story:
"I met Andy in Singapore. He was my Sales Director from the German company I was working for. We've spoken on the phone with each other before, since we had sales conference calls every two months or so.
He appeared one day in the office, but it wasn't love at first sight. I thought him good looking and nice, but he lived in Germany, which was approximately 10,980 km away. It was too far!
Then we met again in Los Angeles a couple of months later at a conference. One thing led to another, but we didn't continue seeing each other after leaving LA. I guess it was on "neutral" grounds, and I didn't feel much of an attachment to him. He left after that, and so did I.
But when I came back to Singapore, he called me everyday.
Two weeks later, he decided to come back to Singapore to "prove" his intentions for me, and the romance began from there!
But when it came to dating, it's a bit hard when your boyfriend is in another country and you only get to see him every two months. and we dated for for a year and a half. It was then that I knew how far Singapore is from Germany! We would count down the distance, the months, the hours, the minutes and the seconds until we saw each other again. It was very trying attempting to quell an argument over the phone. It was emotionally very draining.
It was also not cheap travelling to and fro. Plus, can you imagine the house and handphone bills?
After a year and a half, he was back in Singapore, but getting ready to leave again. I was out in the living room, feeling particularly sad as he was going to leave. But he came to me, knelt on one knee and said: "Make me the happiest man and marry me, please."
I said "Yes, of course". But then came the doubts.
When I moved to Germany with him, the culture and the language were big barriers!
My husband runs his own IT company and cannot be with me often. Being a very open-minded person, I went out and found my own way. I went back to school, enrolled myself in German classes and graduated quite well.
But I always had problems when people looked at us. You see, there are many marriages here in Germany, with men who "buy" Thai women, like mail-order brides. I am quite tanned, so these Europeans think we are all the same. You can be a Korean, Japanese, Thai, Vietnamese or Chinese, but it doesn't matter as they have no idea what Asians look like.
I developed an inferiority complex, thinking that others might believe I was a 'bought' Thai woman. On a side note, these Germans who have Thai and Vietnamese wives who have a very big say in the women's lives here. I have heard some horror stories.
Having said that, I am blessed with a lovely family here. If it was not for my motherin-law, I would have left Germany in the first two years that I arrived.
The couple during a Chinese New Year celebration
But my husband and I have grown a lot since then. He is my rock and vice versa. We have been quoted as an example of a rock-steady marriage by friends. They say: "If Andy and Pam can work it out, then so can we, what with them being from opposite ends of the cultural divide."
Even then, I didn't know he was The One at first, until something happened four years ago after we were married. In fact, this is my second marriage. It was my father who encouraged me to marry Andy. He had met Andy at that time and knew that he would make me happy, unlike my ex-husband. I guess parents know what's best for their child!
But my mum, who is Chinese, did have her reservations. She cried a lot then. And my sister - I'm the youngest among three siblings, was upset too. But she had good reason, as she had just given birth to her first child. I extended my stay for another three months to be with her, but it was very hard to leave them.
I knew Andy was The One when I had some medical problems which left me infertile four years back. I was in and out of the hospital for about six weeks. It was not easy without your family by your side. During this trying time, Andy never wavered. He only grew stronger for the both of us and became unbelievably patient.
He actually told me that I was his heroine when I was back home recuperating! He showed renewed faith and respect for me, and also told me that he knew then that I was the woman he would grow old with, and hopefully we would die in each other's arms.
I don't think I have loved that fiercely before. What all those Hallmark cards say about love - it is true. Love is unconditional and does not judge.
Married life now is simply grand! We have settled into a groove, which I guess couples do after a while. We even look similar - like they say, we have fu qi xiang (compatible looks)!
But my family and friends here have played a big role in helping me assimilate into my new country. if I didn't have their support of them, our relationship might not have lasted. The biggest barrier was the language. Maybe you're not aware, but German isn't the easiest language to learn!
I became a German citizen two years ago, and I had no bad feelings leaving my Singapore passport behind. My father used to say - What's the difference? It's not like you would ever look German. And it's just travel documents!"
There was also another reason, albeit more minor - why I left HDB would not allow me to buy anything else except a three-room flat as I am not paying Singapore taxes and I contribute to the German system etc, so why should they give me priority?
So when i gave my passport back, I took back my money from CPF and we used that to buy a lovely house here, which we are moving into by next month. So yes, we are happy!
No, I don't think non-Singaporeans make for better life partners. It's who you are with that matters. I was married to a Singaporean Chinese-Eurasian, and that lasted about two years. Andy is circumstantial - he could have been African, for all I care!
I am the first foreigner Andy has ever dated, but he does not think about racial differences between us. I asked Andy for his thoughts earlier on whether a foreigner made for a better life partner. He said: "I only know ONE really well, besides your family, honey."
He thinks I am who I am, just slightly different because of my upbringing and culture.
He has learnt a lot about family ties from me - he supports and understands me 100 percent when it comes to sending money home to my parents every month. Sometimes, he thinks that Caucasians could learn a thing or two from Asians.
However, he believes that we have lots to learn from each other, and he knows that he and his family has changed their views as well since we got together and got married."
This family is a mini-United Nations
You can say that 34-year-old management consultant, Kevin Siow, doesn't think local when it comes to looking for a life partner. In fact, most of his family members do not either. Kevin met Yen, his 32-year-old Australian-Vietnamese wife in 1999 on a holiday to Melbourne.
As for the rest of his family all, he reveals: "My brother married a Korean, my sister married an Australian-born Chinese, my father's brother married a Japanese, my auntie married an Indonesian-Chinese, and I married an Australian-Vietnamese."
While he found it hard to say why a lot of his relatives chose to marry non-Singaporeans, he ventured that one reason for doing so boils down to a sense of adventure and a desire for something different.
Here is Kevin's story:
"I met my wife Yen when I went to Melbourne, Australia in 1999 for a short holiday. My brother was working there for a few months before that, so I got him to introduce some of his friends to me.
The first time Yen and I met, she really stood out as someone who's full of life, easy to relate to, friendly and exotically beautiful. I wondered why she had green eyes and it turned out she was wearing contact lenses!
We remained as friends after that and when I decided to go to Melbourne to pursue my MBA the following year, our friendship took a further step. You can say the rest became history!
Dating her was challenging initially - we came from two different worlds - she is Australian in every sense of the word - outgoing, easy-going, relaxed, yet assertive and direct when communicating. She also enjoys her pastas, salads, and the typical Aussie barbeque.
I was a true-blue Singaporean - traditional, and reserved at times, and generally quite diplomatic. And I who enjoy my chicken rice and char kuay teow!
We had to make some adjustments in the beginning, but beyond the superficiality, the key things that kept our friendship strong was a willingness to share, commit, and our focus on sharing a journey together. Our friendship was strengthened with every day, and that laid a strong foundation for our relationship as a couple.
I made the decision to When I was about to graduate from my MBA School in 2002, I felt ready to embark on the next phase of my life - marriage. We had been dating for more than a year and were friends before that for more than three years. I felt she was the person whom i wanted to share my life after some soul-searching.
I don't think there is such a thing as "The One", but I believe there are a few principles to look out for when it comes to a life-partner.
For me it was about, finding a person with similar values, having a common vision for the future, a willingness to journey through the ups and downs in life, and a commitment to each other as we keep forgiving, trusting and giving to each other.
To top it off, she has an awesome personality - full of positivity that was very contagious, hospitable, encouraging, and a selfless and generous character. I felt she was going to be a solid partner for me and a great mother to my children in the years to come. To be honest I haven't found someone like that in Singapore!
I came back to Singapore about two months ago after an exciting work opportunity came up, after living in Melbourne for the last few years.
On adapting to a large family and a foreign culture, Aussie-Vietnamese Yen says:
I remember one particular episode when we were performing the Chinese tea ceremony at Kevin's parents house for our wedding.
I did not expect to see so many relatives, and I was not warned that I had to serve tea to everyone!
I think there about 70 family members and friends - all packed into the living and outdoor area.
By about the twentieth relative, the whole family decided we would also give out small red packets to the younger generation of family members as well. The whole process went on for about an hour, and I was exhausted and extremely overwhelmed by the end of it.
Within the Vietnamese community in Melbourne, the tea ceremony is not as elaborate.
Only my parents were involved in the ceremony while all the other guests and relatives were observers.
There are definitely more challenges you face as a married couple from different cultures.
But as you face these challenges, you begin to understand your husband's roots and upbringing, and grow together him.
We have also started a young family along the way. I enjoy living in Melbourne for its lifestyle and its focus on work-life balance. That is somethiing of a rarity in Singapore.
No, there is nothing concious about my family marrying non-Singaporeans! Instead, when it comes to looking for a life-partner, we all have different things that we look for and are attracted to.
I believe our attitude towards lifestyle, career, material needs, family and money are shaped by our socio-economical upbringing. Singaporeans have been raised and nurtured through a similar culture and system, it is inevitable that we have certain thinking and attitudes. Whilst some people are drawn towards these traits, others like my brother and I tend to look beyond that and desire something different.
I can't tell what prompted my relatives to choose foreigners - but i think to some extent it is a sense of adventure, a desire for something different amongst other reasons...
Yen had a "culture shock" after marriage. She had to get used to my very large family, which included very closely-knit extended family members who spanned all around the globe, as well as our family's culture and protocol. For example, my parents are very traditional and conservative-minded, and it took her some time to get over some of our more peculiar Singaporean-Chinese way of doing things.
But married life has been fantastic - I'm always enjoying every minute of it. And having two boys now makes me feel that family life is quite complete. My wife and I are also growing in love each new day, and that's a real blessing!
But I do not think the issue is about whether your life partner is Singaporean or not. Instead, it is the kind of values and personality your partner brings to the relationship. Some people may find Singaporeans are too similar to themselves - being kiasu or kiasi, or too result-driven, or career- and money-minded. Others may like what they see as sophistication in Singaporeans and the fact that most of us are well-travelled, educated, driven, competitive and resourceful.
Ultimately I think it's about what you are comfortable with, and more often than not, you may want to look for a foreigner as your life partner, because that is what brings out the best in you.
Meanwhile, Yen thinks that Singaporean men are generally quite driven, money-oriented, career-minded and competitive! She wishes that men here can spend more time with their children and take work-life balance more seriously.
But like me, she believes that making a relationship work is all about personality and how well a couple fit each other, regardless of nationality and culture."
As for the rest of his family all, he reveals: "My brother married a Korean, my sister married an Australian-born Chinese, my father's brother married a Japanese, my auntie married an Indonesian-Chinese, and I married an Australian-Vietnamese."
While he found it hard to say why a lot of his relatives chose to marry non-Singaporeans, he ventured that one reason for doing so boils down to a sense of adventure and a desire for something different.
Here is Kevin's story:
"I met my wife Yen when I went to Melbourne, Australia in 1999 for a short holiday. My brother was working there for a few months before that, so I got him to introduce some of his friends to me.
The first time Yen and I met, she really stood out as someone who's full of life, easy to relate to, friendly and exotically beautiful. I wondered why she had green eyes and it turned out she was wearing contact lenses!
We remained as friends after that and when I decided to go to Melbourne to pursue my MBA the following year, our friendship took a further step. You can say the rest became history!
Dating her was challenging initially - we came from two different worlds - she is Australian in every sense of the word - outgoing, easy-going, relaxed, yet assertive and direct when communicating. She also enjoys her pastas, salads, and the typical Aussie barbeque.
I was a true-blue Singaporean - traditional, and reserved at times, and generally quite diplomatic. And I who enjoy my chicken rice and char kuay teow!
We had to make some adjustments in the beginning, but beyond the superficiality, the key things that kept our friendship strong was a willingness to share, commit, and our focus on sharing a journey together. Our friendship was strengthened with every day, and that laid a strong foundation for our relationship as a couple.
I made the decision to When I was about to graduate from my MBA School in 2002, I felt ready to embark on the next phase of my life - marriage. We had been dating for more than a year and were friends before that for more than three years. I felt she was the person whom i wanted to share my life after some soul-searching.
I don't think there is such a thing as "The One", but I believe there are a few principles to look out for when it comes to a life-partner.
For me it was about, finding a person with similar values, having a common vision for the future, a willingness to journey through the ups and downs in life, and a commitment to each other as we keep forgiving, trusting and giving to each other.
To top it off, she has an awesome personality - full of positivity that was very contagious, hospitable, encouraging, and a selfless and generous character. I felt she was going to be a solid partner for me and a great mother to my children in the years to come. To be honest I haven't found someone like that in Singapore!
I came back to Singapore about two months ago after an exciting work opportunity came up, after living in Melbourne for the last few years.
On adapting to a large family and a foreign culture, Aussie-Vietnamese Yen says:
I remember one particular episode when we were performing the Chinese tea ceremony at Kevin's parents house for our wedding.
I did not expect to see so many relatives, and I was not warned that I had to serve tea to everyone!
I think there about 70 family members and friends - all packed into the living and outdoor area.
By about the twentieth relative, the whole family decided we would also give out small red packets to the younger generation of family members as well. The whole process went on for about an hour, and I was exhausted and extremely overwhelmed by the end of it.
Within the Vietnamese community in Melbourne, the tea ceremony is not as elaborate.
Only my parents were involved in the ceremony while all the other guests and relatives were observers.
There are definitely more challenges you face as a married couple from different cultures.
But as you face these challenges, you begin to understand your husband's roots and upbringing, and grow together him.
We have also started a young family along the way. I enjoy living in Melbourne for its lifestyle and its focus on work-life balance. That is somethiing of a rarity in Singapore.
No, there is nothing concious about my family marrying non-Singaporeans! Instead, when it comes to looking for a life-partner, we all have different things that we look for and are attracted to.
I believe our attitude towards lifestyle, career, material needs, family and money are shaped by our socio-economical upbringing. Singaporeans have been raised and nurtured through a similar culture and system, it is inevitable that we have certain thinking and attitudes. Whilst some people are drawn towards these traits, others like my brother and I tend to look beyond that and desire something different.
I can't tell what prompted my relatives to choose foreigners - but i think to some extent it is a sense of adventure, a desire for something different amongst other reasons...
Yen had a "culture shock" after marriage. She had to get used to my very large family, which included very closely-knit extended family members who spanned all around the globe, as well as our family's culture and protocol. For example, my parents are very traditional and conservative-minded, and it took her some time to get over some of our more peculiar Singaporean-Chinese way of doing things.
But married life has been fantastic - I'm always enjoying every minute of it. And having two boys now makes me feel that family life is quite complete. My wife and I are also growing in love each new day, and that's a real blessing!
But I do not think the issue is about whether your life partner is Singaporean or not. Instead, it is the kind of values and personality your partner brings to the relationship. Some people may find Singaporeans are too similar to themselves - being kiasu or kiasi, or too result-driven, or career- and money-minded. Others may like what they see as sophistication in Singaporeans and the fact that most of us are well-travelled, educated, driven, competitive and resourceful.
Ultimately I think it's about what you are comfortable with, and more often than not, you may want to look for a foreigner as your life partner, because that is what brings out the best in you.
Meanwhile, Yen thinks that Singaporean men are generally quite driven, money-oriented, career-minded and competitive! She wishes that men here can spend more time with their children and take work-life balance more seriously.
But like me, she believes that making a relationship work is all about personality and how well a couple fit each other, regardless of nationality and culture."
Meet my soulmate
To 33-year-old Cheryl Marie Cordeiro, foreign is not necessarily better. It's just that, sometimes, that "matching of souls" happens to take place across the continents, over a period of time. She met her husband, 56-year-old Jan-Erik Nilsson, in Singapore, 'dated' long-distance 1st before going to live with him in Sweden.
From our wedding day in 2006, just before the tea-ceremony.
Cheryl is a PhD research student at the Gothenburg University while husband JE is a consultant in information technology and one of the three founders of the Swedish East-India ship project: the Gotheborg III ship.
Here is Cheryl's story:
"I met my husband Jan-Erik (JE) in Singapore, when he was visiting for business purposes, and I had promised to show him around Singapore.
At the time that JE and I met, I was actually in another relation, so it took quite some time before I realised that JE was The One. There were many questions, a lot of soul-searching on my part, and at that time, I was mostly concerned about our age difference since he was much older than I.
As he was not based in Singapore, our ?dating' was mostly via email and we met whenever he was in Singapore.
We communicated via email for the entire first year of our relationship.
We both liked and wanted to talk with each other about everything, all big and small things in life, from philosophy to favourite pets.
His emails made my day and made me laugh even on my bad days.
The one question I found myself asking, when deciding to be with him was, 'Does he make me happy?'
And more often than not, I found the answer to be, yes.
It was a matching of souls and I found that he was someone I didn't want to be without.
We lived together for several years in Sweden before getting married.
It is very difficult to move countries. Northern Europe is very different from Southeast-Asia. The climate, food, culture and language are all different. They don't even drive on the same side of the road.
From our recent trip to Europe, in Aachen, Germany, outside the Aachen Cathedral.
Apart from the climate adjustment I had to make, learning a new language and learning to dress for new weather conditions, the first few years were also difficult because of our cultural differences. We could quarrel about the simplest things because our expectations about how things should be done were different.
But, now, we're very happy. I'm right now finalising my PhD at Gothenburg University in Sweden and we're finding time to travel a lot in business and for fun. We're now planning our next steps in life and hope to find our way back to Singapore, where JE was headed anyway, when we first met.
No, I don't think nationality is an issue when choosing a life partner. I see from many of my friends that Singaporean, both men and women, make great life partners. Ultimately, it's a meeting of souls.
Of course, it's most convenient if Mr Right lives just across the street, but sometimes you find that destiny seems to have something else in mind for you.
I asked my husband and he said: 'If all Singaporean women are like you, I like them all!'
On a more serious note, JE said: 'It is more a matter of personality than nationality, who will be a good life partner for anyone. You can meet your perfect match anywhere, so us meeting in Singapore just made things complicated, but eventually your soul tells you what you are looking for.
'We both do anything we feel comfortable with at home. When it comes to cooking, well, we actually compete for getting at the pots and pans in the kitchen since we are both quite interested in food.
Sometimes, it may be a good thing that you are very different rather than very similar. It makes it easier to remember that you are actually two persons with two dreams and two wishes and that you don't automatically want the same things just because you are married.'"
From our wedding day in 2006, just before the tea-ceremony.
Cheryl is a PhD research student at the Gothenburg University while husband JE is a consultant in information technology and one of the three founders of the Swedish East-India ship project: the Gotheborg III ship.
Here is Cheryl's story:
"I met my husband Jan-Erik (JE) in Singapore, when he was visiting for business purposes, and I had promised to show him around Singapore.
At the time that JE and I met, I was actually in another relation, so it took quite some time before I realised that JE was The One. There were many questions, a lot of soul-searching on my part, and at that time, I was mostly concerned about our age difference since he was much older than I.
As he was not based in Singapore, our ?dating' was mostly via email and we met whenever he was in Singapore.
We communicated via email for the entire first year of our relationship.
We both liked and wanted to talk with each other about everything, all big and small things in life, from philosophy to favourite pets.
His emails made my day and made me laugh even on my bad days.
The one question I found myself asking, when deciding to be with him was, 'Does he make me happy?'
And more often than not, I found the answer to be, yes.
It was a matching of souls and I found that he was someone I didn't want to be without.
We lived together for several years in Sweden before getting married.
It is very difficult to move countries. Northern Europe is very different from Southeast-Asia. The climate, food, culture and language are all different. They don't even drive on the same side of the road.
From our recent trip to Europe, in Aachen, Germany, outside the Aachen Cathedral.
Apart from the climate adjustment I had to make, learning a new language and learning to dress for new weather conditions, the first few years were also difficult because of our cultural differences. We could quarrel about the simplest things because our expectations about how things should be done were different.
But, now, we're very happy. I'm right now finalising my PhD at Gothenburg University in Sweden and we're finding time to travel a lot in business and for fun. We're now planning our next steps in life and hope to find our way back to Singapore, where JE was headed anyway, when we first met.
No, I don't think nationality is an issue when choosing a life partner. I see from many of my friends that Singaporean, both men and women, make great life partners. Ultimately, it's a meeting of souls.
Of course, it's most convenient if Mr Right lives just across the street, but sometimes you find that destiny seems to have something else in mind for you.
I asked my husband and he said: 'If all Singaporean women are like you, I like them all!'
On a more serious note, JE said: 'It is more a matter of personality than nationality, who will be a good life partner for anyone. You can meet your perfect match anywhere, so us meeting in Singapore just made things complicated, but eventually your soul tells you what you are looking for.
'We both do anything we feel comfortable with at home. When it comes to cooking, well, we actually compete for getting at the pots and pans in the kitchen since we are both quite interested in food.
Sometimes, it may be a good thing that you are very different rather than very similar. It makes it easier to remember that you are actually two persons with two dreams and two wishes and that you don't automatically want the same things just because you are married.'"
Questions to ask each other before you say "I do"
So you've said "yes" to each other, to marriage, to a lifetime together. A moment like that can spill right into joyful wedding planning, but there is some other planning a couple needs to do before focusing on a ceremony and a day of celebration. Money planning -- not for one day but for your life together as a couple.
When couples come together, they bring different approaches to money and often different lessons learned about handling money. Guaranteed, money will always be difficult to talk about as a couple and will often be the source of disagreements that lead to arguments. If you start the money conversation before marriage, you'll likely get off to a better start than many couples. So before you decide how many people to invite to the wedding and how much you should spend on a reception, here are some questions to ask each other about money to start life as a couple on solid financial ground.
1. How many accounts do you have, and what kind are they? (Checking, savings, money markets?) How long have you had them? Start with an inventory of the accounts you both hold and how you handle them. Do you balance checking accounts at the end of the month? Do you do your banking online? As this 25-question checklist from Real Simple magazine notes, if your partner has maintained one checking account for many years and checks it to make sure there are no mistakes, those are good signs of financial stability.
2. How many credit cards do you have, and how do you use them? Set aside lots of time to talk about credit cards. Since we are coming down from a consumer-credit frenzy, there's a good chance one or both of you have run up some scary balances on credit cards. Ask each other if you've ever maxed out a credit card, or if you pay off balances at the end of every month. If either or both of you have credit-card debt, you need to total it so you can come up with a plan to pay it off and get rid of it. Tackling debt is the first thing you need to do as a couple before you can achieve financial goals for your future.
3. What other debt do you have? Credit-card debt is only one kind. Chances are there are some student debts or car loans, too, and you need to decide how to tackle all of your debt for the same reasons as above.
4. Have you checked your credit score lately? We should each be checking on our credit reports and scores to make sure our credit is in good standing for when we need to apply for loans (once credit is available again!) Go to AnnualCreditReport.com to get credit reports from the three major consumer credit reporting companies. It's a good idea to do this once a year, and to definitely do so six months before you plan to apply for a major loan since it may take time to clear up problems or fix errors on the report.
5. Should we have separate, joint, or separate and joint accounts? Once you know how many accounts you each have, how much is in them, and how much you will need to spend on monthly expenses, you'll need to decide whether to merge your accounts, keep separate accounts or agree on a combination of the two. There is no one right answer. But you need to decide what works for you as a couple, and to make sure money decisions are transparent and up-front. Stacy Rapacon gives examples of how each arrangement works for different couples in this Kiplinger.com article.
7. How will we making buying decisions? To avoid arguments over individual purchases and to keep on track with your financial goals as a couple, it's a good idea to decide what purchase decisions should be made together and which should not. Maybe it will be a dollar cutoff ($100 or more, for example). Or maybe it will fall to household purchases. But whatever you decide, recognize that money matters are often tied up in emotional issues such as independence. So it's better to talk about the role emotions play than to shove them aside and spend individually as you please.
8. Who will be responsible for paying bills and preparing taxes? The day-to-day nitty gritty of finances needs to be addressed. You need to talk about who will take care of the monthly bills, if you'll split them, and what accounts they will be paid from. Same goes for taxes: whether you prepare them youselves or hire an accountant (another decision), one of you needs to be on top of keeping good records.
9. Do our work benefits overlap, and do you have insurance? These are the kinds of question that grow in importance if you own a home together or have children. But it's good to consider them early on in your relationship, too.
10. What are our your money goals? Fact is, we need money to achieve most of our goals in life -- be it a house, travel, having children and paying for their education, and finally, retiring to a comfortable lifestyle. You may think you share the same goals, but until you ask each other, you won't know for sure. Talk it out. One of you may want to work less if and when you have young children, while the other assumes you'll both keep working full time. One of you may want to travel, while the other hopes to buy a boat. You get the idea. Talking about your goals will help you figure out how to handle your money day to day in a way that meshes with your future aims as a couple.
Asking these questions early on and starting the conversation before you say "I do" will make it easier to revisit money talk, which may not be as fun as pillow talk but is certainly as vital to your relationship.
When couples come together, they bring different approaches to money and often different lessons learned about handling money. Guaranteed, money will always be difficult to talk about as a couple and will often be the source of disagreements that lead to arguments. If you start the money conversation before marriage, you'll likely get off to a better start than many couples. So before you decide how many people to invite to the wedding and how much you should spend on a reception, here are some questions to ask each other about money to start life as a couple on solid financial ground.
1. How many accounts do you have, and what kind are they? (Checking, savings, money markets?) How long have you had them? Start with an inventory of the accounts you both hold and how you handle them. Do you balance checking accounts at the end of the month? Do you do your banking online? As this 25-question checklist from Real Simple magazine notes, if your partner has maintained one checking account for many years and checks it to make sure there are no mistakes, those are good signs of financial stability.
2. How many credit cards do you have, and how do you use them? Set aside lots of time to talk about credit cards. Since we are coming down from a consumer-credit frenzy, there's a good chance one or both of you have run up some scary balances on credit cards. Ask each other if you've ever maxed out a credit card, or if you pay off balances at the end of every month. If either or both of you have credit-card debt, you need to total it so you can come up with a plan to pay it off and get rid of it. Tackling debt is the first thing you need to do as a couple before you can achieve financial goals for your future.
3. What other debt do you have? Credit-card debt is only one kind. Chances are there are some student debts or car loans, too, and you need to decide how to tackle all of your debt for the same reasons as above.
4. Have you checked your credit score lately? We should each be checking on our credit reports and scores to make sure our credit is in good standing for when we need to apply for loans (once credit is available again!) Go to AnnualCreditReport.com to get credit reports from the three major consumer credit reporting companies. It's a good idea to do this once a year, and to definitely do so six months before you plan to apply for a major loan since it may take time to clear up problems or fix errors on the report.
5. Should we have separate, joint, or separate and joint accounts? Once you know how many accounts you each have, how much is in them, and how much you will need to spend on monthly expenses, you'll need to decide whether to merge your accounts, keep separate accounts or agree on a combination of the two. There is no one right answer. But you need to decide what works for you as a couple, and to make sure money decisions are transparent and up-front. Stacy Rapacon gives examples of how each arrangement works for different couples in this Kiplinger.com article.
7. How will we making buying decisions? To avoid arguments over individual purchases and to keep on track with your financial goals as a couple, it's a good idea to decide what purchase decisions should be made together and which should not. Maybe it will be a dollar cutoff ($100 or more, for example). Or maybe it will fall to household purchases. But whatever you decide, recognize that money matters are often tied up in emotional issues such as independence. So it's better to talk about the role emotions play than to shove them aside and spend individually as you please.
8. Who will be responsible for paying bills and preparing taxes? The day-to-day nitty gritty of finances needs to be addressed. You need to talk about who will take care of the monthly bills, if you'll split them, and what accounts they will be paid from. Same goes for taxes: whether you prepare them youselves or hire an accountant (another decision), one of you needs to be on top of keeping good records.
9. Do our work benefits overlap, and do you have insurance? These are the kinds of question that grow in importance if you own a home together or have children. But it's good to consider them early on in your relationship, too.
10. What are our your money goals? Fact is, we need money to achieve most of our goals in life -- be it a house, travel, having children and paying for their education, and finally, retiring to a comfortable lifestyle. You may think you share the same goals, but until you ask each other, you won't know for sure. Talk it out. One of you may want to work less if and when you have young children, while the other assumes you'll both keep working full time. One of you may want to travel, while the other hopes to buy a boat. You get the idea. Talking about your goals will help you figure out how to handle your money day to day in a way that meshes with your future aims as a couple.
Asking these questions early on and starting the conversation before you say "I do" will make it easier to revisit money talk, which may not be as fun as pillow talk but is certainly as vital to your relationship.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Debunking the Scarcity Myth
"There are no decent single men/women available."
"I'm going to have to settle because there's no one else out there."
"All the good ones are taken. "
If any of these excuses sound familiar, you shouldn't give up on your search for love. You just need to rethink your attachment to the scarcity myth that singles suffer from. How? Participate in the following fun three-week experiment. All you need is an open mind, a few spare minutes each day, and a desire to change your dating karma.
Week #1: Start by making eye contact with someone you find attractive (who you don't know) every day for a week. You can do this in the elevator in your office building, while picking out produce at the grocery store, in line for your morning latte, or in a social setting (bar, party, picnic, etc.). It's not important where you do this exercise, only that you start getting comfortable making eye contact with potential partners.
Week #2: The following week, make eye contact and smile at at least one person you find attractive every day. Chances are good that you'll get a smile back. It doesn't have to go any further than that (don't expect him/her to ask for your digits). This is simply an exercise in getting comfortable engaging potential partners. Short on time? Suggested locations to smile and make eye contact on the go include the gym, while stuck in traffic, picking up your dry cleaning, or while grabbing a quick bite out of the office.
Week #3: During the third week of this exercise, make eye contact, smile, and make small talk with at least one person you find attractive every day. If the idea of small talk gets you tongue-tied, relax. Start simply and slowly. Remember, this doesn't have to be rocket science. You don't have to think of the wittiest conversation-starter ever. The goal is to just get the ball rolling.
Potential conversation-starters can be as simple as:
Hi. (Seriously, that counts!)
How's your day going?
I dig your shoes/tie/suit/dress. Where'd you get them/it?
Once you've opened up the conversation, don't look away. Maintain eye contact, smile, and wait for his/her response. If it invites additional conversation, great! If not, your job for the day is done and you can move on. If for some reason, the object of your attention is rude or dismissive, don't take it personally.
Rejection is part of the dating process. Chalk it up to experience, let go, and try again tomorrow.
The point of this exercise is to debunk the scarcity myth by showing yourself that there's actually an abundance of potential partners in your everyday life. They may not always be interested, they may not always be available, but by getting into the practice of noticing and acknowledging them, you're more likely to spot the ones who are interested and available when they present themselves to you.
Now, if your routine goes something like this: home, work, gym, home, then you've got to shake things up. At least once a week from now on, break with routine and put yourself in a target-rich environment. Suggested activities include:
1. Stop by the bookstore after work and browse a topic of interest while keeping your eye out for any cuties.
2. You can also recruit your pals for an after work drink at a local hotspot. In addition to hanging with your buddies, scope out the scene for potential partners.
3. Do some research for a fun singles' activity, i.e. online dating, speed dating, a networking mixer, or Sierra Club hike and go for it. Find a cause near and dear to your heart and volunteer on a Saturday or Sunday. You never know who you'll meet!
These are just some of the suggested activities you should engage in. Remember, the goal is not necessarily to score a date, but to get you out of your monotonous routine that may be keeping you from meeting potential partners.
The more you put yourself in target-rich environments and get comfortable talking to strangers, the better.
"I'm going to have to settle because there's no one else out there."
"All the good ones are taken. "
If any of these excuses sound familiar, you shouldn't give up on your search for love. You just need to rethink your attachment to the scarcity myth that singles suffer from. How? Participate in the following fun three-week experiment. All you need is an open mind, a few spare minutes each day, and a desire to change your dating karma.
Week #1: Start by making eye contact with someone you find attractive (who you don't know) every day for a week. You can do this in the elevator in your office building, while picking out produce at the grocery store, in line for your morning latte, or in a social setting (bar, party, picnic, etc.). It's not important where you do this exercise, only that you start getting comfortable making eye contact with potential partners.
Week #2: The following week, make eye contact and smile at at least one person you find attractive every day. Chances are good that you'll get a smile back. It doesn't have to go any further than that (don't expect him/her to ask for your digits). This is simply an exercise in getting comfortable engaging potential partners. Short on time? Suggested locations to smile and make eye contact on the go include the gym, while stuck in traffic, picking up your dry cleaning, or while grabbing a quick bite out of the office.
Week #3: During the third week of this exercise, make eye contact, smile, and make small talk with at least one person you find attractive every day. If the idea of small talk gets you tongue-tied, relax. Start simply and slowly. Remember, this doesn't have to be rocket science. You don't have to think of the wittiest conversation-starter ever. The goal is to just get the ball rolling.
Potential conversation-starters can be as simple as:
Hi. (Seriously, that counts!)
How's your day going?
I dig your shoes/tie/suit/dress. Where'd you get them/it?
Once you've opened up the conversation, don't look away. Maintain eye contact, smile, and wait for his/her response. If it invites additional conversation, great! If not, your job for the day is done and you can move on. If for some reason, the object of your attention is rude or dismissive, don't take it personally.
Rejection is part of the dating process. Chalk it up to experience, let go, and try again tomorrow.
The point of this exercise is to debunk the scarcity myth by showing yourself that there's actually an abundance of potential partners in your everyday life. They may not always be interested, they may not always be available, but by getting into the practice of noticing and acknowledging them, you're more likely to spot the ones who are interested and available when they present themselves to you.
Now, if your routine goes something like this: home, work, gym, home, then you've got to shake things up. At least once a week from now on, break with routine and put yourself in a target-rich environment. Suggested activities include:
1. Stop by the bookstore after work and browse a topic of interest while keeping your eye out for any cuties.
2. You can also recruit your pals for an after work drink at a local hotspot. In addition to hanging with your buddies, scope out the scene for potential partners.
3. Do some research for a fun singles' activity, i.e. online dating, speed dating, a networking mixer, or Sierra Club hike and go for it. Find a cause near and dear to your heart and volunteer on a Saturday or Sunday. You never know who you'll meet!
These are just some of the suggested activities you should engage in. Remember, the goal is not necessarily to score a date, but to get you out of your monotonous routine that may be keeping you from meeting potential partners.
The more you put yourself in target-rich environments and get comfortable talking to strangers, the better.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
10 (More) Reasons You're Not Rich
Many people assume they aren't rich because they don't earn enough money. If I only earned a little more, I could save and invest better, they say.
The problem with that theory is they were probably making exactly the same argument before their last several raises. Becoming a millionaire has less to do with how much you make, it's how you treat money in your daily life.
The list of reasons you may not be rich doesn't end at 10. Caring what your neighbors think, not being patient, having bad habits, not having goals, not being prepared, trying to make a quick buck, relying on others to handle your money, investing in things you don't understand, being financially afraid and ignoring your finances.
Here are 10 more possible reasons you aren't rich:
You care what your car looks like: A car is a means of transportation to get from one place to another, but many people don't view it that way. Instead, they consider it a reflection of themselves and spend money every two years or so to impress others instead of driving the car for its entire useful life and investing the money saved.
You feel entitlement: If you believe you deserve to live a certain lifestyle, have certain things and spend a certain amount before you have earned to live that way, you will have to borrow money. That large chunk of debt will keep you from building wealth.
You lack diversification: There is a reason one of the oldest pieces of financial advice is to not keep all your eggs in a single basket. Having a diversified investment portfolio makes it much less likely that wealth will suddenly disappear.
You started too late: The magic of compound interest works best over long periods of time. If you find you're always saying there will be time to save and invest in a couple more years, you'll wake up one day to find retirement is just around the corner and there is still nothing in your retirement account.
You don't do what you enjoy: While your job doesn't necessarily need to be your dream job, you need to enjoy it. If you choose a job you don't like just for the money, you'll likely spend all that extra cash trying to relieve the stress of doing work you hate.
You don't like to learn: You may have assumed that once you graduated from college, there was no need to study or learn. That attitude might be enough to get you your first job or keep you employed, but it will never make you rich. A willingness to learn to improve your career and finances are essential if you want to eventually become wealthy.
You buy things you don't use: Take a look around your house, in the closets, basement, attic and garage and see if there are a lot of things you haven't used in the past year. If there are, chances are that all those things you purchased were wasted money that could have been used to increase your net worth.
You don't understand value: You buy things for any number of reasons besides the value that the purchase brings to you. This is not limited to those who feel the need to buy the most expensive items, but can also apply to those who always purchase the cheapest goods. Rarely are either the best value, and it's only when you learn to purchase good value that you have money left over to invest for your future.
Your house is too big: When you buy a house that is bigger than you can afford or need, you end up spending extra money on longer debt payments, increased taxes, higher upkeep and more things to fill it. Some people will try to argue that the increased value of the house makes it a good investment, but the truth is that unless you are willing to downgrade your living standards, which most people are not, it will never be a liquid asset or money that you can ever use and enjoy.
You fail to take advantage of opportunities: There has probably been more than one occasion where you heard about someone who has made it big and thought to yourself, "I could have thought of that." There are plenty of opportunities if you have the will and determination to keep your eyes open.
The problem with that theory is they were probably making exactly the same argument before their last several raises. Becoming a millionaire has less to do with how much you make, it's how you treat money in your daily life.
The list of reasons you may not be rich doesn't end at 10. Caring what your neighbors think, not being patient, having bad habits, not having goals, not being prepared, trying to make a quick buck, relying on others to handle your money, investing in things you don't understand, being financially afraid and ignoring your finances.
Here are 10 more possible reasons you aren't rich:
You care what your car looks like: A car is a means of transportation to get from one place to another, but many people don't view it that way. Instead, they consider it a reflection of themselves and spend money every two years or so to impress others instead of driving the car for its entire useful life and investing the money saved.
You feel entitlement: If you believe you deserve to live a certain lifestyle, have certain things and spend a certain amount before you have earned to live that way, you will have to borrow money. That large chunk of debt will keep you from building wealth.
You lack diversification: There is a reason one of the oldest pieces of financial advice is to not keep all your eggs in a single basket. Having a diversified investment portfolio makes it much less likely that wealth will suddenly disappear.
You started too late: The magic of compound interest works best over long periods of time. If you find you're always saying there will be time to save and invest in a couple more years, you'll wake up one day to find retirement is just around the corner and there is still nothing in your retirement account.
You don't do what you enjoy: While your job doesn't necessarily need to be your dream job, you need to enjoy it. If you choose a job you don't like just for the money, you'll likely spend all that extra cash trying to relieve the stress of doing work you hate.
You don't like to learn: You may have assumed that once you graduated from college, there was no need to study or learn. That attitude might be enough to get you your first job or keep you employed, but it will never make you rich. A willingness to learn to improve your career and finances are essential if you want to eventually become wealthy.
You buy things you don't use: Take a look around your house, in the closets, basement, attic and garage and see if there are a lot of things you haven't used in the past year. If there are, chances are that all those things you purchased were wasted money that could have been used to increase your net worth.
You don't understand value: You buy things for any number of reasons besides the value that the purchase brings to you. This is not limited to those who feel the need to buy the most expensive items, but can also apply to those who always purchase the cheapest goods. Rarely are either the best value, and it's only when you learn to purchase good value that you have money left over to invest for your future.
Your house is too big: When you buy a house that is bigger than you can afford or need, you end up spending extra money on longer debt payments, increased taxes, higher upkeep and more things to fill it. Some people will try to argue that the increased value of the house makes it a good investment, but the truth is that unless you are willing to downgrade your living standards, which most people are not, it will never be a liquid asset or money that you can ever use and enjoy.
You fail to take advantage of opportunities: There has probably been more than one occasion where you heard about someone who has made it big and thought to yourself, "I could have thought of that." There are plenty of opportunities if you have the will and determination to keep your eyes open.
这些谁都知道，但有谁能坚持下来呢？
有很多事情，我们都知道，但坚持下来很难！！！
谁都知道，每天喝8杯水对身体好，但有谁能一直坚持呢？
谁都知道，每天早上跑跑步，对身体好，但有谁能一直坚持下去呢？
谁都知道，坚持有好吃的东西摆在眼前，就是不吃，绝对可以减肥成功，但有谁能一直坚持下去呢？
谁都知道，每天听背一段英语文章，坚持一年，英语口语没问题，但有谁能一直坚持下去呢？
谁都知道，坚持价值投资，买好公司的股票10年不动，一定赚钱，但有谁能一直坚持下去呢？
谁都知道，总是保持心情愉快很重要，但有谁能一直坚持下去呢？
谁都知道，永远以积极的眼光和心态去面对一切很受益，但有谁能一直坚持下去呢？
谁都知道。。。。。。
坚持太重要了，无论做什么，只要坚持一定能胜利！！
坚持太重要了，凡是有成就的人，都是能坚持的人！！
坚持太重要了，失败的原因，绝大多数都是因为不能坚持！！
坚持太重要了，正确的要坚持下来，遇到挫折也要一直坚持下来！！
坚持太重要了，再简单的事情，坚持时间长了，都会不简单！！
坚持太重要了！
坚持！坚持！！
谁都知道，每天喝8杯水对身体好，但有谁能一直坚持呢？
谁都知道，每天早上跑跑步，对身体好，但有谁能一直坚持下去呢？
谁都知道，坚持有好吃的东西摆在眼前，就是不吃，绝对可以减肥成功，但有谁能一直坚持下去呢？
谁都知道，每天听背一段英语文章，坚持一年，英语口语没问题，但有谁能一直坚持下去呢？
谁都知道，坚持价值投资，买好公司的股票10年不动，一定赚钱，但有谁能一直坚持下去呢？
谁都知道，总是保持心情愉快很重要，但有谁能一直坚持下去呢？
谁都知道，永远以积极的眼光和心态去面对一切很受益，但有谁能一直坚持下去呢？
谁都知道。。。。。。
坚持太重要了，无论做什么，只要坚持一定能胜利！！
坚持太重要了，凡是有成就的人，都是能坚持的人！！
坚持太重要了，失败的原因，绝大多数都是因为不能坚持！！
坚持太重要了，正确的要坚持下来，遇到挫折也要一直坚持下来！！
坚持太重要了，再简单的事情，坚持时间长了，都会不简单！！
坚持太重要了！
坚持！坚持！！
Eight Ways to Spot a Dishonest Date
Chances are you're being lied to multiple times a day. It happens not only at work and with your friends and family, but in the intimate arena of love and dating, whether it's a first date or someone you are forming an exciting new relationship with.
Imagine this:
During a 10-minute conversation, people told an average of two to three lies, and 60 percent of people lied at least once, according to a study conducted by Robert Feldman of the University of Massachusetts.
Telling lies is a normal part of everyday life. People tell small lies to make themselves more likable or to spare other people's feelings.
However, it's when the lying gets out of hand that it becomes harmful to a budding relationship. If someone you are dating repeatedly lies to you for their own personal gain, you need to be aware of it. By becoming a better lie detector, you can prevent others from taking advantage of you, both literally and emotionally.
Here are eight ways to spot a liar:
1. Eyes aflutter. When people lie, their blink rate tends to go up.
2. The eyes have it. Conventional wisdom says that liars don't look you directly in the eye. And sometimes this is the case. However, research shows that practiced liars will actually give you more eye contact than people telling the truth!
3. Frankly, my dear. People who lie often feel the need to draw your attention to their trustworthiness. They may preface statements with words like "honestly," "frankly," and "truthfully." They're also likely to make assertions such as "I would never lie to you" and "I'm not lying."
4. Cool and casual. Most people expect liars to be nervous, but practiced liars know how to act casual while weaving a web. They may have their feet up or be slumped down in a chair as the lies flow.
5. Behind the smile. A liar's smile is different from a truth-teller's smile. According to research, true "enjoyment smiles" are so big and bright that you'll notice a crinkle around the eyes. These authentic smiles last for less than five seconds. The "masking smile," or lie smile, tends to last longer than five seconds, doesn't involve the eyes, has a hint of negative emotion, and may be crooked.
6. Sticking to it.
Good liars stick to the true parts of their story as much as possible and insert lies at key points. If you suspect you're being lied to, don't be fooled into thinking that the whole story is true, even if you can confirm that parts of it are true.
7. Derailed by details. Liars often try to divert you from their falsehoods by detailing you to death. They'll get you so bogged down by the minutiae of the story that you lose track of what they're saying or you get tired of listening. Never hesitate to ask for clarification if the story seems confusing or doesn't add up.
8. It's not me, it's you! If you catch someone in a lie, they'll frequently try to turn it back on you. "You must be crazy. I never said that!" or "You must have memory loss because that's not the way it happened."
What do you do when you suspect someone you're dating is repeatedly lying to you? In order to feel more secure in the relationship, let them know that even though the truth can hurt, you want to deal with things honestly and openly. The truth will ultimately be better than losing trust and being devastated by lies.
The more people lie and get away with it, the more lies they tell. Stop the cycle by confronting the lies!
Imagine this:
During a 10-minute conversation, people told an average of two to three lies, and 60 percent of people lied at least once, according to a study conducted by Robert Feldman of the University of Massachusetts.
Telling lies is a normal part of everyday life. People tell small lies to make themselves more likable or to spare other people's feelings.
However, it's when the lying gets out of hand that it becomes harmful to a budding relationship. If someone you are dating repeatedly lies to you for their own personal gain, you need to be aware of it. By becoming a better lie detector, you can prevent others from taking advantage of you, both literally and emotionally.
Here are eight ways to spot a liar:
1. Eyes aflutter. When people lie, their blink rate tends to go up.
2. The eyes have it. Conventional wisdom says that liars don't look you directly in the eye. And sometimes this is the case. However, research shows that practiced liars will actually give you more eye contact than people telling the truth!
3. Frankly, my dear. People who lie often feel the need to draw your attention to their trustworthiness. They may preface statements with words like "honestly," "frankly," and "truthfully." They're also likely to make assertions such as "I would never lie to you" and "I'm not lying."
4. Cool and casual. Most people expect liars to be nervous, but practiced liars know how to act casual while weaving a web. They may have their feet up or be slumped down in a chair as the lies flow.
5. Behind the smile. A liar's smile is different from a truth-teller's smile. According to research, true "enjoyment smiles" are so big and bright that you'll notice a crinkle around the eyes. These authentic smiles last for less than five seconds. The "masking smile," or lie smile, tends to last longer than five seconds, doesn't involve the eyes, has a hint of negative emotion, and may be crooked.
6. Sticking to it.
Good liars stick to the true parts of their story as much as possible and insert lies at key points. If you suspect you're being lied to, don't be fooled into thinking that the whole story is true, even if you can confirm that parts of it are true.
7. Derailed by details. Liars often try to divert you from their falsehoods by detailing you to death. They'll get you so bogged down by the minutiae of the story that you lose track of what they're saying or you get tired of listening. Never hesitate to ask for clarification if the story seems confusing or doesn't add up.
8. It's not me, it's you! If you catch someone in a lie, they'll frequently try to turn it back on you. "You must be crazy. I never said that!" or "You must have memory loss because that's not the way it happened."
What do you do when you suspect someone you're dating is repeatedly lying to you? In order to feel more secure in the relationship, let them know that even though the truth can hurt, you want to deal with things honestly and openly. The truth will ultimately be better than losing trust and being devastated by lies.
The more people lie and get away with it, the more lies they tell. Stop the cycle by confronting the lies!
消氣
古時有一個婦人，特別喜歡為一些瑣碎的小事生氣。她也知道自己這樣不好，便去求一位高僧為自己談禪說道，開闊心胸。
高僧聽了她的講述，一言不發地把她領到一座禪房中，落鎖而去。
婦人氣得跳腳大罵。罵了許久，高僧也不理會。婦人又開始哀求，高僧仍置若罔聞。婦人 終于沈默了。高僧來到門外，問她︰“你還生氣嗎？”
婦人說︰“我只為我自己生氣，我怎么會到這地方來受這份罪。”
“連自己都不原諒的人怎么能心如止水？”高僧拂袖而去。
過了一會兒，高僧又問她︰“還生氣嗎？”
“不生氣了。”婦人說。
“為什麼？”
“氣也沒有辦法呀。”
“你的氣並未消逝，還壓在心裡，爆發后將會更加劇烈。”高僧又離開了。
高僧第三次來到門前，婦人告訴他︰“我不生氣了，因為不值得氣。”
“還知道值不值得，可見心中還有衡量，還是有氣根。”高僧笑道。
當高僧的身影迎著夕陽立在門外時，婦人問高僧︰“大師，什麼是氣？”
高僧將手中的茶水傾洒于地。婦人視之良久，頓悟。叩謝而去。
何苦要氣？氣便是別人吐出而你卻接到口裡的那種東西，你吞下便會反胃，你不看他時，他便會消散了。
氣是用別人的過錯來懲罰自己的蠢行。
夕陽如金，皎月如銀，人生的福祉和快樂尚且享受不盡，那裡還有時間去氣呢？
高僧聽了她的講述，一言不發地把她領到一座禪房中，落鎖而去。
婦人氣得跳腳大罵。罵了許久，高僧也不理會。婦人又開始哀求，高僧仍置若罔聞。婦人 終于沈默了。高僧來到門外，問她︰“你還生氣嗎？”
婦人說︰“我只為我自己生氣，我怎么會到這地方來受這份罪。”
“連自己都不原諒的人怎么能心如止水？”高僧拂袖而去。
過了一會兒，高僧又問她︰“還生氣嗎？”
“不生氣了。”婦人說。
“為什麼？”
“氣也沒有辦法呀。”
“你的氣並未消逝，還壓在心裡，爆發后將會更加劇烈。”高僧又離開了。
高僧第三次來到門前，婦人告訴他︰“我不生氣了，因為不值得氣。”
“還知道值不值得，可見心中還有衡量，還是有氣根。”高僧笑道。
當高僧的身影迎著夕陽立在門外時，婦人問高僧︰“大師，什麼是氣？”
高僧將手中的茶水傾洒于地。婦人視之良久，頓悟。叩謝而去。
何苦要氣？氣便是別人吐出而你卻接到口裡的那種東西，你吞下便會反胃，你不看他時，他便會消散了。
氣是用別人的過錯來懲罰自己的蠢行。
夕陽如金，皎月如銀，人生的福祉和快樂尚且享受不盡，那裡還有時間去氣呢？
Monday, September 29, 2008
10 Tips for Approaching Single Women
What do you do when you see a woman you are attracted to? Do you run and hide? Do you use some canned line that you read on the Internet? Do you stand there in fear trying to think of the right thing to say? What is the right thing to do?
When approaching a woman, most guys make the mistake of thinking too much about what to say. They believe there's one magic line that will work in all situations. They rehearse this magic line, and when they deliver it, they hope the woman will become instantly attracted to them.
Unfortunately, rarely does this approach work -- because most of what you say is irrelevant. To catch a woman's attention, it is all about the confidence you display when approaching her.
Here are 10 surefire ways to intrigue her every time:
1. Observe something. Make a comment about something you observe in the environment. This is especially effective at the grocery store. For example, if she is ordering a turkey sandwich, ask her if the turkey is good here.
Make your comment immediate to the situation and it will seem perfectly natural. No matter where you are, there is always something interesting to comment on.
2. Smile. This shows her that you are friendly and confident. A genuine smile not only feels good to you, but will put her at ease while creating openness in the interaction -- a requirement for building rapport.
3. Do not hesitate. If you hesitate in your approach, this tells her that you are not feeling confident -- an immediate turn-off. When you see her, walk over to her within a short period of time (the three-second rule). Show her you are a man who knows what he wants and goes after it.
4. Positive body language. If you approach hunched over with your head down, you are sending negative information about yourself, which makes you dead in the water before you begin. Stand up straight, with shoulders back and chest out, and use a firm yet relaxed walk.
5. Not too fast. If you walk over too fast, you could likely trigger her internal alarm. A calm, casual approach is usually the best way to make her feel at ease with you.
6. Keep eye contact. Never be the first to break eye contact when you approach. If you do, this sends the message that you are not feeling good about approaching. When you use strong eye contact, she will feel more drawn to you. With practice, you can master this.
7. Listen up. Make sure you pay careful attention to what she says. Do not have your response pre-thought out. Women love a man who pays attention to the details of what she says. If you start throwing out random words, she will lose interest fast.
8. Do not fidget. Fidgeting after you approach is distracting and shows you are uncomfortable. If you communicate that you are uncomfortable, she will feel uncomfortable, too, and will close up. Practice being aware of your movements. Pay attention to those movements, or lack of movements, that communicate comfort and confidence.
9. Lighten your tone of voice. The tone of your voice is a very powerful tool. Approaching her in a light and playful tone is one of the best ways to start. You could also begin in a serious tone, accusing her of something like "
I hope you saved some turkey for me," followed by a quick smile to let her know you are joking. Practice playing with your vocal tone with your friends -- notice the different reactions you get when you say the exact same thing using varied tones and fluctuations.
10. Lean away from her. A man who leans in too far when he talks often makes a woman feel crowded. A better approach is to lean away from her slightly. This lets her know that you respect her space, boundaries, and are comfortable with yourself.
The key to making these tips work for you is putting them into practice! Practice these tips and see the reaction you get. When you put them all together, you will be surprised at their power.
When approaching a woman, most guys make the mistake of thinking too much about what to say. They believe there's one magic line that will work in all situations. They rehearse this magic line, and when they deliver it, they hope the woman will become instantly attracted to them.
Unfortunately, rarely does this approach work -- because most of what you say is irrelevant. To catch a woman's attention, it is all about the confidence you display when approaching her.
Here are 10 surefire ways to intrigue her every time:
1. Observe something. Make a comment about something you observe in the environment. This is especially effective at the grocery store. For example, if she is ordering a turkey sandwich, ask her if the turkey is good here.
Make your comment immediate to the situation and it will seem perfectly natural. No matter where you are, there is always something interesting to comment on.
2. Smile. This shows her that you are friendly and confident. A genuine smile not only feels good to you, but will put her at ease while creating openness in the interaction -- a requirement for building rapport.
3. Do not hesitate. If you hesitate in your approach, this tells her that you are not feeling confident -- an immediate turn-off. When you see her, walk over to her within a short period of time (the three-second rule). Show her you are a man who knows what he wants and goes after it.
4. Positive body language. If you approach hunched over with your head down, you are sending negative information about yourself, which makes you dead in the water before you begin. Stand up straight, with shoulders back and chest out, and use a firm yet relaxed walk.
5. Not too fast. If you walk over too fast, you could likely trigger her internal alarm. A calm, casual approach is usually the best way to make her feel at ease with you.
6. Keep eye contact. Never be the first to break eye contact when you approach. If you do, this sends the message that you are not feeling good about approaching. When you use strong eye contact, she will feel more drawn to you. With practice, you can master this.
7. Listen up. Make sure you pay careful attention to what she says. Do not have your response pre-thought out. Women love a man who pays attention to the details of what she says. If you start throwing out random words, she will lose interest fast.
8. Do not fidget. Fidgeting after you approach is distracting and shows you are uncomfortable. If you communicate that you are uncomfortable, she will feel uncomfortable, too, and will close up. Practice being aware of your movements. Pay attention to those movements, or lack of movements, that communicate comfort and confidence.
9. Lighten your tone of voice. The tone of your voice is a very powerful tool. Approaching her in a light and playful tone is one of the best ways to start. You could also begin in a serious tone, accusing her of something like "
I hope you saved some turkey for me," followed by a quick smile to let her know you are joking. Practice playing with your vocal tone with your friends -- notice the different reactions you get when you say the exact same thing using varied tones and fluctuations.
10. Lean away from her. A man who leans in too far when he talks often makes a woman feel crowded. A better approach is to lean away from her slightly. This lets her know that you respect her space, boundaries, and are comfortable with yourself.
The key to making these tips work for you is putting them into practice! Practice these tips and see the reaction you get. When you put them all together, you will be surprised at their power.
How to Be Confident in Your Dating Life
Dating question: How does an "average Joe" attract and date beautiful women?
Answer: Read on.
What's the number one thing that all daters are attracted to? Here's a hint: It's the same thing that all women find really desirable. OK, I know what you're probably thinking -- fame, or money, or good looks, right? And yes, women are attracted to these things, but the number one quality that you must possess to market yourself to single women -- and to win with women in general -- is intangible, and you don't have to be a millionaire or to have won the genetic lottery to have it. It's dating confidence. (That's C-O-N-F-I-D-E-N-C-E.)
Not coincidentally, confidence is also the key attribute that all professional salespeople must call their own in order to be successful. People do not buy products or services from someone who has no confidence in the products they represent. Remember, in the dating world, the "product you represent" is you! Within the dynamics of dating, you are the salesman, and women are your customers. It's up to you to sell the product with assurance and believability -- with such confidence -- that your customers will want to buy it. Think about it:
Why would a woman have confidence in you if you don't have confidence in yourself?
And while you might agree with what I'm saying about confidence, do you apply it in your dating life?
Here's what I mean. If a woman asked you to describe yourself, how would you do it? By saying you're a "typical" guy or an "average Joe"? If so, stop selling yourself short! And go look up "average" in the dictionary: "standard, usual, ordinary, mediocre, not very good." To get my point across, consider this ad statement: "He is a very average director who makes very average movies." I bet you can't wait to buy tickets to this guy's movie, right?
Women don't want the "average" guy any more than you want your "average" girl. Women are attracted to confident, exciting men who have passion. If you want to start winning with women, you must stop talking about yourself like you're an "average guy" and start acting like you're the greatest guy. Attracting women is all about your attitude -- and if you think of yourself as just "average," your attitude needs a boost!
How is your dating attitude projected? Your attitude is projected in the way you walk, talk, and act toward other people. Attitude is the outward reflection of what's going on inside. When you know you're wonderful, it's reflected in everything you do. There's a level of confidence that simply shines through.
Now, an obvious question is, "What if you don't have confidence?"
I should know a thing or two about finding your dating confidence. I wrote an entire book on the subject called "Date Out Of Your League. It's almost entirely dedicated toward helping single men appeal to the most attractive women by achieving a better attitude, and it totally dispels the dating myth that I hear all the time from guys about confidence. The myth goes something like this: Confidence is something that comes naturally. You either have it or you don't. Not true. In fact, very rarely is confidence something you are born with.
Dating confidence is a quality that is learned and acquired.
Its growth is gradual and based upon the accumulation of little successes and skills over time. Confidence comes in knowing what to do and when to do it, then in following through and doing it! Because confidence is a characteristic that you can obtain, the important thing is to set the wheels in motion and begin methodically and progressively building it now, and then continue adding to it -- for life.
The biggest contributor to (or detractor of) confidence is attitude. The "Law of Concentration" has proven that you really are what you think. If you think you can, you can. And if you think you can't, you are right! Thought becomes reality, and when you take control of your conscious mind and purposely think of who you want to be rather than who you aren't, and focus on what you want rather than what you're afraid you can't have, you will have taken a huge leap toward success.
OK, so you can see how confidence affects your attitude, and attitude affects whether or not you get your ideal woman along with just about everything else you want in life. But you still don't have it. What to do now?
Start by implementing a plan of dating action that will help your confidence.
1. Squash negative thoughts. While we may all have self-doubt at times, when it overruns your life, or dictates your decisions, you've let it go too far. It's within your power to put these feelings aside and opt for more positive, optimistic ones. Plus, women can sense negativity and insecurity from a mile away, and it's a turn-off.
2. Have a goal. Don't wander aimlessly through life with no plans and no direction. Get focused on something, anything, and move toward it. Find your passion. Women feel passionately about passionate men. Whether it's your career, or art, or, well, just about anything, we like it when you're moved by something. And yes, even sports count, though they may not be at the top of our lists.
3. Believe in your own dating greatness. This one is the result of the first two. You don't have to do anything in order to get confident except follow through with your plan of action. A guy who thinks he's fantastic without being too arrogant is intoxicating to women. Trust me, you'll see.
Answer: Read on.
What's the number one thing that all daters are attracted to? Here's a hint: It's the same thing that all women find really desirable. OK, I know what you're probably thinking -- fame, or money, or good looks, right? And yes, women are attracted to these things, but the number one quality that you must possess to market yourself to single women -- and to win with women in general -- is intangible, and you don't have to be a millionaire or to have won the genetic lottery to have it. It's dating confidence. (That's C-O-N-F-I-D-E-N-C-E.)
Not coincidentally, confidence is also the key attribute that all professional salespeople must call their own in order to be successful. People do not buy products or services from someone who has no confidence in the products they represent. Remember, in the dating world, the "product you represent" is you! Within the dynamics of dating, you are the salesman, and women are your customers. It's up to you to sell the product with assurance and believability -- with such confidence -- that your customers will want to buy it. Think about it:
Why would a woman have confidence in you if you don't have confidence in yourself?
And while you might agree with what I'm saying about confidence, do you apply it in your dating life?
Here's what I mean. If a woman asked you to describe yourself, how would you do it? By saying you're a "typical" guy or an "average Joe"? If so, stop selling yourself short! And go look up "average" in the dictionary: "standard, usual, ordinary, mediocre, not very good." To get my point across, consider this ad statement: "He is a very average director who makes very average movies." I bet you can't wait to buy tickets to this guy's movie, right?
Women don't want the "average" guy any more than you want your "average" girl. Women are attracted to confident, exciting men who have passion. If you want to start winning with women, you must stop talking about yourself like you're an "average guy" and start acting like you're the greatest guy. Attracting women is all about your attitude -- and if you think of yourself as just "average," your attitude needs a boost!
How is your dating attitude projected? Your attitude is projected in the way you walk, talk, and act toward other people. Attitude is the outward reflection of what's going on inside. When you know you're wonderful, it's reflected in everything you do. There's a level of confidence that simply shines through.
Now, an obvious question is, "What if you don't have confidence?"
I should know a thing or two about finding your dating confidence. I wrote an entire book on the subject called "Date Out Of Your League. It's almost entirely dedicated toward helping single men appeal to the most attractive women by achieving a better attitude, and it totally dispels the dating myth that I hear all the time from guys about confidence. The myth goes something like this: Confidence is something that comes naturally. You either have it or you don't. Not true. In fact, very rarely is confidence something you are born with.
Dating confidence is a quality that is learned and acquired.
Its growth is gradual and based upon the accumulation of little successes and skills over time. Confidence comes in knowing what to do and when to do it, then in following through and doing it! Because confidence is a characteristic that you can obtain, the important thing is to set the wheels in motion and begin methodically and progressively building it now, and then continue adding to it -- for life.
The biggest contributor to (or detractor of) confidence is attitude. The "Law of Concentration" has proven that you really are what you think. If you think you can, you can. And if you think you can't, you are right! Thought becomes reality, and when you take control of your conscious mind and purposely think of who you want to be rather than who you aren't, and focus on what you want rather than what you're afraid you can't have, you will have taken a huge leap toward success.
OK, so you can see how confidence affects your attitude, and attitude affects whether or not you get your ideal woman along with just about everything else you want in life. But you still don't have it. What to do now?
Start by implementing a plan of dating action that will help your confidence.
1. Squash negative thoughts. While we may all have self-doubt at times, when it overruns your life, or dictates your decisions, you've let it go too far. It's within your power to put these feelings aside and opt for more positive, optimistic ones. Plus, women can sense negativity and insecurity from a mile away, and it's a turn-off.
2. Have a goal. Don't wander aimlessly through life with no plans and no direction. Get focused on something, anything, and move toward it. Find your passion. Women feel passionately about passionate men. Whether it's your career, or art, or, well, just about anything, we like it when you're moved by something. And yes, even sports count, though they may not be at the top of our lists.
3. Believe in your own dating greatness. This one is the result of the first two. You don't have to do anything in order to get confident except follow through with your plan of action. A guy who thinks he's fantastic without being too arrogant is intoxicating to women. Trust me, you'll see.
Why Nice Guys Finish Last
Are you a nice guy who has always wondered why the cocky guy -- the one who barely appears interested in the girl -- is usually the one who gets the girl?
Have you suffered from hearing the words, "You're a really nice guy, but I only like you as a friend," from a woman who you would do (or may, in fact, have already done) just about anything and everything for -- only to turn around and watch her date (or even chase) a guy who treats her like she's nothing special? And are you stumped wondering why she would date a guy who treats her like that when she could have you who would treat her like a princess and give her everything she wants? Well, you better brace yourself because I'm going to tell you a couple of secrets that you might not want to hear.
First, "nice" equates with boring and predictable. Look up "nice" in the dictionary and you find: pleasant; agreeable; satisfactory. In other words, average -- not exceptional, not exciting, and not sexy.I'll bet you've never heard a woman say she didn't want to date a guy because he was too confident, too passionate, or too exciting -- have you? But, I'll bet you have heard women say things like, "He's such a nice guy. He's so sweet and he's always there for me, but I only like him as a friend." Or, "He's such a good guy -- kind, thoughtful, generous, honest, loyal -- but there's no chemistry. He just doesn't turn me on." Sadly, I hear it all the time. The fact is, Mr. Nice Guy, you cannot bore a woman into feeling attracted to you or into wanting to date you. And as obvious as that sounds, if you are one of those guys I described that is exactly what you are trying to do. And it won't work.
Please understand that I am not suggesting that you mistreat women or disrespect them in any way.
What I suggesting is that you value and respect yourself more.
To illustrate what I mean: The answer to the question, "Why does the guy who doesn't appear to care as much about the girl get the girl?" is simple: The nice guy cares too much, too soon. He has made the woman too important and too valuable and it shows in everything he says and does. He is too available, too eager to please, too accommodating, and he gives too much -- all without getting anything in return. By doing so, he has made himself appear desperate, insecure, needy of this woman's attention, affection, and approval -- and he has stripped himself of any value in her eyes. After all, if he's already doing and giving everything, without her doing or giving anything - why would she value him? She won't. She is not going to value him any more than he values himself. What she is going to do is look for someone else, someone who she perceives as being more worthy, more confident, and more valuable.
It works like this:
Once you need something, or you want it too badly, you forfeit your strength and lose all power of negotiation. You are in a position of weakness and you are perceived as weak. Someone (or something) else is in control of you, the situation, and it's outcome. Men in this situation appear to be anything but confident, strong, and exciting. More, they are perceived as being unworthy and as lacking value.
Translation: Things that are easily acquired, obtained, or maintained, without any effort or sacrifice, lack value... it's human nature.
The secret to why the cocky guy wins with women, over the nice guy, is that he is perceived as being a stronger, more confident guy with more value. How? He never invests everything -- his entire being, ego, and self-worth in what one woman's response or reaction to him is. He doesn't gush with compliments; he isn't always available; he doesn't give too much; and he knows he isn't going to die if a woman says "no" to him. More, his attitude is, yeah, I'd like to go out with you, but if I can't, that's OK -- I'm a busy guy, with exciting things going on, and lots of other options.
Have you suffered from hearing the words, "You're a really nice guy, but I only like you as a friend," from a woman who you would do (or may, in fact, have already done) just about anything and everything for -- only to turn around and watch her date (or even chase) a guy who treats her like she's nothing special? And are you stumped wondering why she would date a guy who treats her like that when she could have you who would treat her like a princess and give her everything she wants? Well, you better brace yourself because I'm going to tell you a couple of secrets that you might not want to hear.
First, "nice" equates with boring and predictable. Look up "nice" in the dictionary and you find: pleasant; agreeable; satisfactory. In other words, average -- not exceptional, not exciting, and not sexy.I'll bet you've never heard a woman say she didn't want to date a guy because he was too confident, too passionate, or too exciting -- have you? But, I'll bet you have heard women say things like, "He's such a nice guy. He's so sweet and he's always there for me, but I only like him as a friend." Or, "He's such a good guy -- kind, thoughtful, generous, honest, loyal -- but there's no chemistry. He just doesn't turn me on." Sadly, I hear it all the time. The fact is, Mr. Nice Guy, you cannot bore a woman into feeling attracted to you or into wanting to date you. And as obvious as that sounds, if you are one of those guys I described that is exactly what you are trying to do. And it won't work.
Please understand that I am not suggesting that you mistreat women or disrespect them in any way.
What I suggesting is that you value and respect yourself more.
To illustrate what I mean: The answer to the question, "Why does the guy who doesn't appear to care as much about the girl get the girl?" is simple: The nice guy cares too much, too soon. He has made the woman too important and too valuable and it shows in everything he says and does. He is too available, too eager to please, too accommodating, and he gives too much -- all without getting anything in return. By doing so, he has made himself appear desperate, insecure, needy of this woman's attention, affection, and approval -- and he has stripped himself of any value in her eyes. After all, if he's already doing and giving everything, without her doing or giving anything - why would she value him? She won't. She is not going to value him any more than he values himself. What she is going to do is look for someone else, someone who she perceives as being more worthy, more confident, and more valuable.
It works like this:
Once you need something, or you want it too badly, you forfeit your strength and lose all power of negotiation. You are in a position of weakness and you are perceived as weak. Someone (or something) else is in control of you, the situation, and it's outcome. Men in this situation appear to be anything but confident, strong, and exciting. More, they are perceived as being unworthy and as lacking value.
Translation: Things that are easily acquired, obtained, or maintained, without any effort or sacrifice, lack value... it's human nature.
The secret to why the cocky guy wins with women, over the nice guy, is that he is perceived as being a stronger, more confident guy with more value. How? He never invests everything -- his entire being, ego, and self-worth in what one woman's response or reaction to him is. He doesn't gush with compliments; he isn't always available; he doesn't give too much; and he knows he isn't going to die if a woman says "no" to him. More, his attitude is, yeah, I'd like to go out with you, but if I can't, that's OK -- I'm a busy guy, with exciting things going on, and lots of other options.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
How to Handle Rejection
So there you are at the deli getting a ham sandwich, when that person you're attracted to comes and stands next to you at the counter. You've seen them over and over again, and you finally have the guts to turn and smile at them... and they do nothing in return. They almost look right through you like you don't exist.
So you grab your ham sandwich and run out of there as quickly as you can, saying to yourself, "I will never do that again. This doesn't work." Is this the best way to deal with rejection? How do you personally deal with rejection? More importantly, are you someone who believes that if you become "good" at dating you will no longer get rejected?
The dating truth is that being able to deal with rejection is the key to being successful at going out and meeting singles. It's also not the ultra-significant event so many make it out to be. So here are five essential tips on how to handle rejection, which you need to embrace if you are going to have a full and successful dating life:
1. Change Your Dating Expectations.
One of the first and most important things to understand is that no matter what you do, not everybody is going to respond positively to you. Not everyone you smile at will smile back at you. Not everyone you say hello to is going to say hello back to you.
Stop expecting a positive response 100% of the time. Just because somebody did not smile back at you does not mean that you're not an attractive person or that you made a mistake by smiling. The only thing it means is that it did not work with that one person.
2. Life Is All About Rejection. Everything in life has rejection involved in it.
If you're a salesperson who makes 10 sales calls, you may only get one or two people to say yes. A baseball player whose batting average is around 300 will likely end up in the Hall of Fame. A quarterback who can complete 55 percent of his passes is doing pretty well. Everything in life is about percentages. You don't quit simply because you experienced some rejection. Imagine if you stopped looking for work when your very first interview didn't result in a job offer. That would, of course, be ridiculous. Remember that you also need to keep going in your dating life when you're rejected, because you want to keep increasing your odds of success.
3. Focus on Increasing Your Dating Odds.
When you feel like you are getting more than your fair share of rejections, instead of focusing on those rejections, focus on increasing your odds of success. The fact is that by playing the percentages as I mentioned above, you will be successful.
The reason is that every time you take action -- every time you smile, say hello, or walk over and initiate a conversation -- you get better at it.
If you're going to go out there and only talk to one person a day, then your chances of success are not going to be great. Increase your odds every single day and in everything you're doing.
4. Keep Things in Perspective.
I hear some version of this from clients all the time: "What if I approach somebody, get rejected, and someone sees me? I'll never be able to go in that store again!" Get a little perspective here. Let me tell you something -- you're not front page news! When you're rejected, you need to just get over it. No one is talking about you. People are concerned about themselves and what is going on in their own lives, just as you are focused on what's going on in yours. So the fact that you get rejected in front of other people at the market, at the gym, or anywhere else is not a big deal to anyone but you.
5. Don't Overreact When Dating.
The other thing I commonly hear from clients who have been rejected is some version of this: "I'm never going to talk to that person ever again now that I was rejected by them." This is not only a total overreaction, it is also absolutely the wrong thing to do. So you tried to talk to (or smile or look at) someone, and they didn't respond. As I mentioned above, there are a million possible reasons why that person did not respond to you. It doesn't necessarily mean that person wouldn't want to talk to you another time. If I smile at a woman and she doesn't respond, I don't play hide-and-go-seek the next time I see her. I am equally friendly to her the next time I see her, because you never know what will happen that second time. It's a different day. Put the last time behind you.
These are some ways to help you get over rejection. Realize that in order to get good at interacting with potential mates, you are going to get rejected. In fact, you want to get rejected every single day, because if you're not, it means you're not trying.
So ask yourself this: Did you get rejected today, and how can you go out tomorrow and make it an even better day than today? Learn to not only handle but to embrace rejection, and you will meet great new people and have an amazing social life.
So you grab your ham sandwich and run out of there as quickly as you can, saying to yourself, "I will never do that again. This doesn't work." Is this the best way to deal with rejection? How do you personally deal with rejection? More importantly, are you someone who believes that if you become "good" at dating you will no longer get rejected?
The dating truth is that being able to deal with rejection is the key to being successful at going out and meeting singles. It's also not the ultra-significant event so many make it out to be. So here are five essential tips on how to handle rejection, which you need to embrace if you are going to have a full and successful dating life:
1. Change Your Dating Expectations.
One of the first and most important things to understand is that no matter what you do, not everybody is going to respond positively to you. Not everyone you smile at will smile back at you. Not everyone you say hello to is going to say hello back to you.
Stop expecting a positive response 100% of the time. Just because somebody did not smile back at you does not mean that you're not an attractive person or that you made a mistake by smiling. The only thing it means is that it did not work with that one person.
2. Life Is All About Rejection. Everything in life has rejection involved in it.
If you're a salesperson who makes 10 sales calls, you may only get one or two people to say yes. A baseball player whose batting average is around 300 will likely end up in the Hall of Fame. A quarterback who can complete 55 percent of his passes is doing pretty well. Everything in life is about percentages. You don't quit simply because you experienced some rejection. Imagine if you stopped looking for work when your very first interview didn't result in a job offer. That would, of course, be ridiculous. Remember that you also need to keep going in your dating life when you're rejected, because you want to keep increasing your odds of success.
3. Focus on Increasing Your Dating Odds.
When you feel like you are getting more than your fair share of rejections, instead of focusing on those rejections, focus on increasing your odds of success. The fact is that by playing the percentages as I mentioned above, you will be successful.
The reason is that every time you take action -- every time you smile, say hello, or walk over and initiate a conversation -- you get better at it.
If you're going to go out there and only talk to one person a day, then your chances of success are not going to be great. Increase your odds every single day and in everything you're doing.
4. Keep Things in Perspective.
I hear some version of this from clients all the time: "What if I approach somebody, get rejected, and someone sees me? I'll never be able to go in that store again!" Get a little perspective here. Let me tell you something -- you're not front page news! When you're rejected, you need to just get over it. No one is talking about you. People are concerned about themselves and what is going on in their own lives, just as you are focused on what's going on in yours. So the fact that you get rejected in front of other people at the market, at the gym, or anywhere else is not a big deal to anyone but you.
5. Don't Overreact When Dating.
The other thing I commonly hear from clients who have been rejected is some version of this: "I'm never going to talk to that person ever again now that I was rejected by them." This is not only a total overreaction, it is also absolutely the wrong thing to do. So you tried to talk to (or smile or look at) someone, and they didn't respond. As I mentioned above, there are a million possible reasons why that person did not respond to you. It doesn't necessarily mean that person wouldn't want to talk to you another time. If I smile at a woman and she doesn't respond, I don't play hide-and-go-seek the next time I see her. I am equally friendly to her the next time I see her, because you never know what will happen that second time. It's a different day. Put the last time behind you.
These are some ways to help you get over rejection. Realize that in order to get good at interacting with potential mates, you are going to get rejected. In fact, you want to get rejected every single day, because if you're not, it means you're not trying.
So ask yourself this: Did you get rejected today, and how can you go out tomorrow and make it an even better day than today? Learn to not only handle but to embrace rejection, and you will meet great new people and have an amazing social life.
MVP
Mitral valve prolapse (MVP) is a valvular heart disease characterized by the displacement of an abnormally thickened mitral valve leaflet into the left atrium during systole. In its nonclassic form, MVP carries a low risk of complications. In severe cases of classic MVP, complications include mitral regurgitation, infective endocarditis, and — in rare circumstances — cardiac arrest, usually resulting in sudden death.
Overview
St. Zenon of Verona wearing a mitre.The mitral valve, so named because of its resemblance to a bishop's miter, is the heart valve that prevents the backflow of blood from the left ventricle into the left atrium. It is composed of two leaflets (one anterior, one posterior) that close when the left ventricle contracts.
Each leaflet is composed of three layers of tissue: the atrialis, fibrosa, and spongiosa. Patients with classic mitral valve prolapse have excess connective tissue that thickens the spongiosa and separates collagen bundles in the fibrosa. This is due to an excess of dermatan sulfate, a glycosaminoglycan. This weakens the leaflets and adjacent tissue, resulting in increased leaflet area and elongation of the chordae tendineae. Elongation of the chordae often causes rupture, and is commonly found in the chordae tendineae attached to the posterior leaflet. Advanced lesions — also commonly involving the posterior leaflet — lead to leaflet folding, inversion, and displacement toward the left atrium.
History
The term mitral valve prolapse was coined by J. Michael Criley in 1966 and gained acceptance over the other descriptor of "billowing" of the mitral valve, as described by JB Barlow.
For many years, mitral valve prolapse was a poorly understood anomaly associated with a wide variety of both related and seemingly unrelated signs and symptoms, including late systolic murmurs, inexplicable panic attacks, and polythelia (extra nipples). Recent studies suggest that these symptoms were incorrectly linked to MVP because the disorder was simply over-diagnosed at the time. Continuously-evolving criteria for diagnosis of MVP with echocardiography made proper diagnosis difficult, and hence many subjects without MVP were included in studies of the disorder and its prevalence. In fact, some modern studies report that as many as 55% of the population would be diagnosed with MVP if older, less reliable methods of MVP diagnosis—notably M-mode echocardiography—were used today.
In recent years, new criteria have been proposed as an objective measure for diagnosis of MVP using more reliable two- and three-dimensional echocardiography. The disorder has also been classified into a number of subtypes with respect to these criteria.
Subtypes
Diagnosis of mitral valve prolapse is based on modern echocardiographic techniques which can pinpoint abnormal leaflet thickening and other related pathology.Prolapsed mitral valves are classified into several subtypes, based on leaflet thickness, concavity, and type of connection to the mitral annulus. Subtypes can be described as classic, nonclassic, symmetric, asymmetric, flail, or non-flail.
All measurements below refer to adult patients; applying them to children may be misleading.
Classic versus nonclassic
Prolapse occurs when the mitral valve leaflets are displaced more than 2 mm above the mitral annulus high points. The condition can be further divided into classic and nonclassic subtypes based on the thickness of the mitral valve leaflets: up to 5 mm is considered nonclassic, while anything beyond 5 mm is considered classic MVP.
Symmetric versus asymmetric
Classical prolapse may be subdivided into symmetric and asymmetric, referring to the point at which leaflet tips join the mitral annulus. In symmetric coaptation, leaflet tips meet at a common point on the annulus. Asymmetric coaptation is marked by one leaflet displaced toward the atrium with respect to the other. Patients with asymmetric prolapse are susceptible to severe deterioration of the mitral valve, with the possible rupture of the chordae tendineae and the development of a flail leaflet.
Flail versus non-flail
Asymmetric prolapse is further subdivided into flail and non-flail. Flail prolapse occurs when a leaflet tip turns outward, becoming concave toward the left atrium, causing the deterioration of the mitral valve. The severity of flail leaflet varies, ranging from tip eversion to chordal rupture. Dissociation of leaflet and chordae tendineae provides for unrestricted motion of the leaflet (hence "flail leaflet"). Thus patients with flail leaflets have a higher prevalence of mitral regurgitation than those with the non-flail subtype.
Diagnosis
Echocardiography is the most useful method of diagnosing a prolapsed mitral valve. Two- and three-dimensional echocardiography are particularly valuable as they allow visualization of the mitral leaflets relative to the mitral annulus. This allows measurement of the leaflet thickness and their displacement relative to the annulus. Thickening of the mitral leaflets >5 mm and leaflet displacement >2 mm indicates classic mitral valve prolapse.
Prevalence
Prior to the strict criteria for the diagnosis of mitral valve prolapse, as described above, the incidence of mitral valve prolapse in the general population varied greatly. Some studies estimated the incidence of mitral valve prolapse at 5 to 15 percent or even higher.
As part of the Framingham Heart Study, the prevalence of mitral valve prolapse in Framingham, MA was estimated at 2.4%. There was a near-even split between classic and nonclassic MVP, with no significant age or sex discrimination. Based on data gathered in the United States, MVP is prevalent in 7% of autopsies.
igns and symptoms
Some patients with MVP experience heart palpitations, atrial fibrillation, or syncope, though the prevalence of these symptoms does not differ significantly from the general population. Between 11 and 15% of patients experience moderate chest pain and shortness of breath. These symptoms are most likely not caused directly by the prolapsing mitral valve, but rather by the mitral regurgitation that often results from prolapse. In addition, the American Heart Association has linked anxiety and panic attack disorders to mitral valve prolapse. A statistical relationship has been reported between mitral valve prolapse and bipolar disorder.
For unknown reasons, MVP patients tend to have a low body mass index (BMI) and are typically leaner than individuals without MVP. MVP is a frequent occurrence in individuals with the Marfan syndrome.
Auscultation
Upon auscultation of an individual with mitral valve prolapse, a mid-systolic click, followed by a late systolic murmur heard best at the apex is common.
Mitral valve prolapse syndrome
Mitral valve prolapse syndrome (MVP Syndrome, Barlow's syndrome), also referred to as mitral valve prolapse dysautonomia, is an imbalance of the autonomic nervous system that may be associated with mitral valve prolapse. It is unclear what the underlying etiology is that causes both autonomic dysregulation and the structural abnormalities present in mitral valve prolapse.
Symptoms generally attributed to MVP syndrome include palpitations, shortness of breath, and fainting. Because of the low specificity of these symptoms, and the fact that there is significant overlap in the causes of these symptoms with sequelae of significant mitral regurgitation often seen with mitral valve prolapse, MVP syndrome is often misdiagnosed. This is made more difficult because there is no consensus criteria to diagnose MVP syndrome.
Some patients who suffer from mitral valve prolapse syndrome will have dysautonomia as the cause of their symptoms. Occasionally, supraventricular arrhythmias are associated with increased parasympathetic tone. Mitral valve prolapse syndrome is often misdiagnosed as bipolar disorder.
Therefore, careful evaluation from an experienced center familiar with MVP is advised.
Complications
Mitral regurgitation
Mitral valve prolapse is frequently associated with mild mitral regurgitation, where blood aberrantly flows from the left ventricle into the left atrium during systole. Occasionally MVP patients experience severe regurgitation, often due to chordae tendineae rupture.
Sudden death
Severe mitral valve prolapse associated with arrhythmias and atrial fibrillation that may progress and lead to sudden death is extremely rare.[citation needed] As there is no evidence that a prolapsed valve itself contributes to such arrythmias,[8] these complications are more likely due to mitral regurgitation and congestive heart failure.
Prognosis
The major predictors of mortality are the severity of mitral regurgitation and the ejection fraction. Generally, MVP is a benign disorder. However, MVP patients with a murmur, not just an isolated click, have a general mortality rate that is increased by 15-20%.
Treatment
Most patients only need reassurance. Those with mitral valve prolapse and symptoms of dysautonomia (palpitations, chest pain) may often benefit from beta-blockers (e.g., propranolol). Patients with prior stroke and/or atrial fibrillation may require blood thinners, such as aspirin or warfarin.
Mitral valve prolapse associated with severe mitral regurgitation can be treated with repair or surgical replacement of the mitral valve. Repair of the mitral valve is always preferable to replacement and should be performed by surgeons that are skilled in the procedure. Current ACC/AHA guidelines suggest that early repair of mitral valve, performed in centers of surgical excellence, should be considered even in patients without symptoms of heart failure. Symptomatic patients, those with evidence of diminished left ventricular function or left ventricular dilatation need urgent attention.
Prevention of infective endocarditis
People with mitral valve prolapse are at higher risk of infective endocarditis (bacterial infection of the heart tissue), as a result of certain non-sterile procedures such as teeth cleaning and biopsy during colonoscopy. However, an April 2007 study by the American Heart Association has determined that the risks of prescribing antibiotics outweigh the benefits of antibiotic prophylaxis before an invasive procedure (such as dental surgery). Therefore, MVP patients who have taken prophylactic antibiotics routinely in the past may no longer need them.
Overview
St. Zenon of Verona wearing a mitre.The mitral valve, so named because of its resemblance to a bishop's miter, is the heart valve that prevents the backflow of blood from the left ventricle into the left atrium. It is composed of two leaflets (one anterior, one posterior) that close when the left ventricle contracts.
Each leaflet is composed of three layers of tissue: the atrialis, fibrosa, and spongiosa. Patients with classic mitral valve prolapse have excess connective tissue that thickens the spongiosa and separates collagen bundles in the fibrosa. This is due to an excess of dermatan sulfate, a glycosaminoglycan. This weakens the leaflets and adjacent tissue, resulting in increased leaflet area and elongation of the chordae tendineae. Elongation of the chordae often causes rupture, and is commonly found in the chordae tendineae attached to the posterior leaflet. Advanced lesions — also commonly involving the posterior leaflet — lead to leaflet folding, inversion, and displacement toward the left atrium.
History
The term mitral valve prolapse was coined by J. Michael Criley in 1966 and gained acceptance over the other descriptor of "billowing" of the mitral valve, as described by JB Barlow.
For many years, mitral valve prolapse was a poorly understood anomaly associated with a wide variety of both related and seemingly unrelated signs and symptoms, including late systolic murmurs, inexplicable panic attacks, and polythelia (extra nipples). Recent studies suggest that these symptoms were incorrectly linked to MVP because the disorder was simply over-diagnosed at the time. Continuously-evolving criteria for diagnosis of MVP with echocardiography made proper diagnosis difficult, and hence many subjects without MVP were included in studies of the disorder and its prevalence. In fact, some modern studies report that as many as 55% of the population would be diagnosed with MVP if older, less reliable methods of MVP diagnosis—notably M-mode echocardiography—were used today.
In recent years, new criteria have been proposed as an objective measure for diagnosis of MVP using more reliable two- and three-dimensional echocardiography. The disorder has also been classified into a number of subtypes with respect to these criteria.
Subtypes
Diagnosis of mitral valve prolapse is based on modern echocardiographic techniques which can pinpoint abnormal leaflet thickening and other related pathology.Prolapsed mitral valves are classified into several subtypes, based on leaflet thickness, concavity, and type of connection to the mitral annulus. Subtypes can be described as classic, nonclassic, symmetric, asymmetric, flail, or non-flail.
All measurements below refer to adult patients; applying them to children may be misleading.
Classic versus nonclassic
Prolapse occurs when the mitral valve leaflets are displaced more than 2 mm above the mitral annulus high points. The condition can be further divided into classic and nonclassic subtypes based on the thickness of the mitral valve leaflets: up to 5 mm is considered nonclassic, while anything beyond 5 mm is considered classic MVP.
Symmetric versus asymmetric
Classical prolapse may be subdivided into symmetric and asymmetric, referring to the point at which leaflet tips join the mitral annulus. In symmetric coaptation, leaflet tips meet at a common point on the annulus. Asymmetric coaptation is marked by one leaflet displaced toward the atrium with respect to the other. Patients with asymmetric prolapse are susceptible to severe deterioration of the mitral valve, with the possible rupture of the chordae tendineae and the development of a flail leaflet.
Flail versus non-flail
Asymmetric prolapse is further subdivided into flail and non-flail. Flail prolapse occurs when a leaflet tip turns outward, becoming concave toward the left atrium, causing the deterioration of the mitral valve. The severity of flail leaflet varies, ranging from tip eversion to chordal rupture. Dissociation of leaflet and chordae tendineae provides for unrestricted motion of the leaflet (hence "flail leaflet"). Thus patients with flail leaflets have a higher prevalence of mitral regurgitation than those with the non-flail subtype.
Diagnosis
Echocardiography is the most useful method of diagnosing a prolapsed mitral valve. Two- and three-dimensional echocardiography are particularly valuable as they allow visualization of the mitral leaflets relative to the mitral annulus. This allows measurement of the leaflet thickness and their displacement relative to the annulus. Thickening of the mitral leaflets >5 mm and leaflet displacement >2 mm indicates classic mitral valve prolapse.
Prevalence
Prior to the strict criteria for the diagnosis of mitral valve prolapse, as described above, the incidence of mitral valve prolapse in the general population varied greatly. Some studies estimated the incidence of mitral valve prolapse at 5 to 15 percent or even higher.
As part of the Framingham Heart Study, the prevalence of mitral valve prolapse in Framingham, MA was estimated at 2.4%. There was a near-even split between classic and nonclassic MVP, with no significant age or sex discrimination. Based on data gathered in the United States, MVP is prevalent in 7% of autopsies.
igns and symptoms
Some patients with MVP experience heart palpitations, atrial fibrillation, or syncope, though the prevalence of these symptoms does not differ significantly from the general population. Between 11 and 15% of patients experience moderate chest pain and shortness of breath. These symptoms are most likely not caused directly by the prolapsing mitral valve, but rather by the mitral regurgitation that often results from prolapse. In addition, the American Heart Association has linked anxiety and panic attack disorders to mitral valve prolapse. A statistical relationship has been reported between mitral valve prolapse and bipolar disorder.
For unknown reasons, MVP patients tend to have a low body mass index (BMI) and are typically leaner than individuals without MVP. MVP is a frequent occurrence in individuals with the Marfan syndrome.
Auscultation
Upon auscultation of an individual with mitral valve prolapse, a mid-systolic click, followed by a late systolic murmur heard best at the apex is common.
Mitral valve prolapse syndrome
Mitral valve prolapse syndrome (MVP Syndrome, Barlow's syndrome), also referred to as mitral valve prolapse dysautonomia, is an imbalance of the autonomic nervous system that may be associated with mitral valve prolapse. It is unclear what the underlying etiology is that causes both autonomic dysregulation and the structural abnormalities present in mitral valve prolapse.
Symptoms generally attributed to MVP syndrome include palpitations, shortness of breath, and fainting. Because of the low specificity of these symptoms, and the fact that there is significant overlap in the causes of these symptoms with sequelae of significant mitral regurgitation often seen with mitral valve prolapse, MVP syndrome is often misdiagnosed. This is made more difficult because there is no consensus criteria to diagnose MVP syndrome.
Some patients who suffer from mitral valve prolapse syndrome will have dysautonomia as the cause of their symptoms. Occasionally, supraventricular arrhythmias are associated with increased parasympathetic tone. Mitral valve prolapse syndrome is often misdiagnosed as bipolar disorder.
Therefore, careful evaluation from an experienced center familiar with MVP is advised.
Complications
Mitral regurgitation
Mitral valve prolapse is frequently associated with mild mitral regurgitation, where blood aberrantly flows from the left ventricle into the left atrium during systole. Occasionally MVP patients experience severe regurgitation, often due to chordae tendineae rupture.
Sudden death
Severe mitral valve prolapse associated with arrhythmias and atrial fibrillation that may progress and lead to sudden death is extremely rare.[citation needed] As there is no evidence that a prolapsed valve itself contributes to such arrythmias,[8] these complications are more likely due to mitral regurgitation and congestive heart failure.
Prognosis
The major predictors of mortality are the severity of mitral regurgitation and the ejection fraction. Generally, MVP is a benign disorder. However, MVP patients with a murmur, not just an isolated click, have a general mortality rate that is increased by 15-20%.
Treatment
Most patients only need reassurance. Those with mitral valve prolapse and symptoms of dysautonomia (palpitations, chest pain) may often benefit from beta-blockers (e.g., propranolol). Patients with prior stroke and/or atrial fibrillation may require blood thinners, such as aspirin or warfarin.
Mitral valve prolapse associated with severe mitral regurgitation can be treated with repair or surgical replacement of the mitral valve. Repair of the mitral valve is always preferable to replacement and should be performed by surgeons that are skilled in the procedure. Current ACC/AHA guidelines suggest that early repair of mitral valve, performed in centers of surgical excellence, should be considered even in patients without symptoms of heart failure. Symptomatic patients, those with evidence of diminished left ventricular function or left ventricular dilatation need urgent attention.
Prevention of infective endocarditis
People with mitral valve prolapse are at higher risk of infective endocarditis (bacterial infection of the heart tissue), as a result of certain non-sterile procedures such as teeth cleaning and biopsy during colonoscopy. However, an April 2007 study by the American Heart Association has determined that the risks of prescribing antibiotics outweigh the benefits of antibiotic prophylaxis before an invasive procedure (such as dental surgery). Therefore, MVP patients who have taken prophylactic antibiotics routinely in the past may no longer need them.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Jean Paul Getty
Jean Paul Getty was born on December 15, 1892, in Minneapolis, Minnesota. His father, George Franklin Getty, was a lawyer, but in 1904 he moved his wife, Sarah Risher Getty, and his son to the Oklahoma territory to begin a successful career as an independent oilman. Two years later the family moved to Los Angeles, California, where young Getty attended private school before graduating from Polytechnic High School in 1909. After a European tour he attended the University of Southern California and the University of California at Berkeley; he spent his summers working on his father's oil rigs as a "roustabout." In 1912 Getty enrolled in Oxford University in England, from which he received a degree in economics and political science in 1914.
In 1914 Getty arrived in Tulsa, Oklahoma, determined to strike it rich as a wildcat oil producer. Although he operated independently of his father's Minnehoma Oil Company, his father's loans and financial backing enabled him to begin buying and selling oil leases in the red-bed area of Oklahoma. Getty saw himself as a modern oil man, relying on geological data and not simply on the instinct of the experienced veterans, but he also thrived on the excitement, gamble, risks, and high stakes of the oil business. Getty's own first successful well came in in 1916, and by the fall of that year he had made his first million dollars as a wildcatter and lease broker.
For the next two years Getty "retired" to the life of a wealthy playboy in Los Angeles, but he returned to the oil business in 1919. During the 1920s he and his father continued to be enormously successful both in drilling their own wells and in buying and selling oil leases, and Getty became more active in California than in Oklahoma. He amassed a personal fortune of over three million dollars and acquired a third interest in what was to become the Getty Oil Company.
After his father's death in 1930 Paul Getty became the president of the George Getty Oil Company (successor to Minnehoma Oil), but his mother inherited the controlling interest, as his father had been upset with his son's profligate personal life. During the 1930s Getty followed several paths to both short-term and long-term success. His wells continued to produce, and profits poured in. He also bought a controlling interest in the Pacific Western Oil Corporation, one of the ten largest oil companies in California. After a series of agreements with his mother he obtained the controlling interest in the George Getty Oil Company, and he began real estate dealings, including the purchase of the Hotel Pierre in New York City.
The Getty Oil Company
Getty's ambition was to build up an independent, self-contained oil business involving refining, transporting, and selling oil as well as exploration and drilling. To that end he began in the 1930s to gain control of the Tidewater Oil Company. Getty pursued that goal in a series of complicated maneuvers, which involved tilting with the giant Standard Oil of New Jersey, until in the 1950s he had control of Tidewater, Skelly Oil, and the Mission Corporation. In 1967 these companies merged into the Getty Oil Company, the foundation of Getty's fortune. Getty had a majority or controlling interest in Getty Oil and its nearly 200 affiliated and subsidiary firms, and he remained its president until his death in 1976.
At the outbreak of World War II, Getty, a yachtsman, volunteered for service in the Navy, but his offer was rejected. At the request of Naval officers, however, he took over personal management of Spartan Aircraft, a Skelly and Getty subsidiary. The corporation manufactured trainers and airplane parts, and it later converted to the profitable production of mobile homes.
After the war Getty took a lucrative gamble on oil rights in the Middle East. In 1949 he secured the oil rights in Saudi Arabia's half of the Neutral Zone, a barren tract between Saudi Arabia and Kuwait. He made major concessions to King Saud, which shocked the large oil companies, but after three years and a $30 million investment, Getty found the huge oil deposits which helped make him a billionaire.
In his business career, Getty continued to invest and reinvest; his fortune consisted not of cash, but stocks, corporate assets, and real estate. A loner, he saw himself as a solitary knight in fierce battle with the giant "Seven Sisters" oil firms, and that competitive urge fueled his desire to build a larger and larger fortune.
A "Public" Personal Life
In 1957 Fortune magazine published a list of the richest men in America. Getty's name headed the list, and the resultant publicity turned the reclusive Getty into an object of public fascination and legend. Getty complained about the fame, the requests for money, and the assumption that he would pick up every restaurant check, but he also furthered his own legends: he wrote articles on such topics as "How To Be Rich" and pretended to poverty by wearing rumpled suits and threadbare sweaters. The public was fascinated by Getty's wealth and extravagance and also by his reputed stinginess. After 1959 he stopped living out of hotel rooms and established his home and offices at Sutton Place, a 16th-century, 700-acre manor outside London. The huge estate, with its gardens, pools, trout stream, and priceless furnishings, was also a near garrison, with elaborate security arrangements. Giant Alsatian dogs had the run of the estate, and there were also two caged lions, Nero and Teresa. Numerous stories circulated about Getty's penny-pitching; the most famous incident was the installation of a pay telephone on the Sutton Place grounds. Getty offered various explanations, but the public preferred to see the phone booth as a symbol of his stinginess.
The public also seemed to like to read into Getty's life the lesson that money does not buy happiness. Getty was married five times: to Jeannette Dumont (1923), Allene Ashby (1925), Adolphine Helmle (1928), Ann Rork (1932), and Louisa Lynch (1939); each marriage ended in divorce. He had five sons, two of whom predeceased him, and his relationship with each of them was difficult. His grandson, J. Paul Getty III, was kidnapped in Italy in 1973. Although he was returned for a ransom, part of his ear had been cut off. Getty was a celebrity, and public interest, fueled by envy and admiration, focused on Getty's tragedies as well as his billions.
Besides oil, Getty's major interest was art. He began serious collecting in the 1930s - European paintings, furniture, Greek and Roman sculptures, 18th-century tapestries, silver, and fine Persian carpets, including the 16th-century Ardabil carpet from Tabriz. He housed his collection at Sutton Place and at his ranch house at Malibu, California, one wing of which he opened as the J. Paul Getty Museum in 1954. In 1969 construction began on a new Getty Museum, also on his Malibu property. The huge building is a replica of an ancient Roman villa found near the ruins of Pompeii, and the extensive Getty collection was moved thereafter his death.
Jean Paul Getty died at Sutton Place on June 6, 1976; he is buried on his Malibu estate.
oil executive and art collector. Born in Minneapolis to a lawyer who turned a lease bought on a gamble into a successful oil company, J. Paul Getty, through his autocratic rule and skillful manipulation of the stock market, brought the Getty Oil Company to the status of an "eighth sister" among the giants in the business. But eight years after his death, the company became the subject of a fierce takeover battle and was eventually absorbed by Texaco.
The young J. Paul worked in the oil fields during school vacations as a general laborer, acquiring the hands-on experience he later found useful in his management of the company. After his father's death in 1930, he and his eighty-year-old mother battled for control of the family wealth. Sarah was skeptical of her son's practice of buying the stock of companies in shaky financial condition during the depression. To control his spending, and to preserve some of the wealth for future generations, his mother created the Sarah Getty Trust, which later became the subject of litigation among its beneficiaries. J. Paul's stock market speculation, however, proved to be a sound business strategy. It laid the foundation of what eventually became the billion-dollar Getty Oil empire, which included holdings in oil and natural gas, as well as gold and uranium mines, a copper deposit, vineyards, orchards, grazing lands, timberlands, refineries, and chemical plants.
As shrewd a businessman as Getty proved to be, he was unsuccessful in his personal life. Though he tried to emulate the Rockefellers and Kennedys, his own family was too fragmented and embattled to invite comparison. He had five sons by four wives and never invited his parents to any of his weddings. Similarly, he failed to attend his sons' weddings and even missed the funeral of his youngest son, Timothy. All of his surviving sons did a stint in the family business, but none lived up to his expectations. He changed his will twenty-one times, using it as a weapon to punish filial "disloyalty."
Getty spent the final twenty-five years of his life at his Sutton Place estate twenty miles from London, surrounded by double barbed-wire fences and patrolled by plainclothes guards and twenty-five German shepherd attack dogs. Yet he maintained firm control of his company, though fear of flying kept him from visiting the Los Angeles headquarters. Declared the richest man in the world by Fortune magazine in 1957, he was nevertheless tight with money: he installed a pay phone in his home, saved bits of string and was delighted when he had enough to tie up a parcel, and throughout his life washed his own underwear. Perhaps the most notorious example of his penny-pinching was his refusal to pay ransom for his grandson, J. Paul III, until finally the kidnappers cut off the boy's right ear.
Always an avid art collector, Getty left virtually his entire estate to the J. Paul Getty Museum Trust. Designed as a replica of a Roman villa, the Malibu museum houses paintings, sculpture, and eighteenth-century French furniture. Though the endowment has grown to $3 billion since Getty's bequest, making the collection one of the world's richest cultural institutions (its budget is roughly twenty-five times the New York Metropolitan Museum's), it has failed to monopolize the art market in the way many feared. Critics charge that the museum has not been aggressive in broadening its mediocre collection to include modern art, or pieces from periods other than what its founder collected, although its acquisition of van Gogh's Irises in 1990 was an important exception. The museum has also come under intense public scrutiny with questions about the authenticity of some of its recent purchases.
In 1914 Getty arrived in Tulsa, Oklahoma, determined to strike it rich as a wildcat oil producer. Although he operated independently of his father's Minnehoma Oil Company, his father's loans and financial backing enabled him to begin buying and selling oil leases in the red-bed area of Oklahoma. Getty saw himself as a modern oil man, relying on geological data and not simply on the instinct of the experienced veterans, but he also thrived on the excitement, gamble, risks, and high stakes of the oil business. Getty's own first successful well came in in 1916, and by the fall of that year he had made his first million dollars as a wildcatter and lease broker.
For the next two years Getty "retired" to the life of a wealthy playboy in Los Angeles, but he returned to the oil business in 1919. During the 1920s he and his father continued to be enormously successful both in drilling their own wells and in buying and selling oil leases, and Getty became more active in California than in Oklahoma. He amassed a personal fortune of over three million dollars and acquired a third interest in what was to become the Getty Oil Company.
After his father's death in 1930 Paul Getty became the president of the George Getty Oil Company (successor to Minnehoma Oil), but his mother inherited the controlling interest, as his father had been upset with his son's profligate personal life. During the 1930s Getty followed several paths to both short-term and long-term success. His wells continued to produce, and profits poured in. He also bought a controlling interest in the Pacific Western Oil Corporation, one of the ten largest oil companies in California. After a series of agreements with his mother he obtained the controlling interest in the George Getty Oil Company, and he began real estate dealings, including the purchase of the Hotel Pierre in New York City.
The Getty Oil Company
Getty's ambition was to build up an independent, self-contained oil business involving refining, transporting, and selling oil as well as exploration and drilling. To that end he began in the 1930s to gain control of the Tidewater Oil Company. Getty pursued that goal in a series of complicated maneuvers, which involved tilting with the giant Standard Oil of New Jersey, until in the 1950s he had control of Tidewater, Skelly Oil, and the Mission Corporation. In 1967 these companies merged into the Getty Oil Company, the foundation of Getty's fortune. Getty had a majority or controlling interest in Getty Oil and its nearly 200 affiliated and subsidiary firms, and he remained its president until his death in 1976.
At the outbreak of World War II, Getty, a yachtsman, volunteered for service in the Navy, but his offer was rejected. At the request of Naval officers, however, he took over personal management of Spartan Aircraft, a Skelly and Getty subsidiary. The corporation manufactured trainers and airplane parts, and it later converted to the profitable production of mobile homes.
After the war Getty took a lucrative gamble on oil rights in the Middle East. In 1949 he secured the oil rights in Saudi Arabia's half of the Neutral Zone, a barren tract between Saudi Arabia and Kuwait. He made major concessions to King Saud, which shocked the large oil companies, but after three years and a $30 million investment, Getty found the huge oil deposits which helped make him a billionaire.
In his business career, Getty continued to invest and reinvest; his fortune consisted not of cash, but stocks, corporate assets, and real estate. A loner, he saw himself as a solitary knight in fierce battle with the giant "Seven Sisters" oil firms, and that competitive urge fueled his desire to build a larger and larger fortune.
A "Public" Personal Life
In 1957 Fortune magazine published a list of the richest men in America. Getty's name headed the list, and the resultant publicity turned the reclusive Getty into an object of public fascination and legend. Getty complained about the fame, the requests for money, and the assumption that he would pick up every restaurant check, but he also furthered his own legends: he wrote articles on such topics as "How To Be Rich" and pretended to poverty by wearing rumpled suits and threadbare sweaters. The public was fascinated by Getty's wealth and extravagance and also by his reputed stinginess. After 1959 he stopped living out of hotel rooms and established his home and offices at Sutton Place, a 16th-century, 700-acre manor outside London. The huge estate, with its gardens, pools, trout stream, and priceless furnishings, was also a near garrison, with elaborate security arrangements. Giant Alsatian dogs had the run of the estate, and there were also two caged lions, Nero and Teresa. Numerous stories circulated about Getty's penny-pitching; the most famous incident was the installation of a pay telephone on the Sutton Place grounds. Getty offered various explanations, but the public preferred to see the phone booth as a symbol of his stinginess.
The public also seemed to like to read into Getty's life the lesson that money does not buy happiness. Getty was married five times: to Jeannette Dumont (1923), Allene Ashby (1925), Adolphine Helmle (1928), Ann Rork (1932), and Louisa Lynch (1939); each marriage ended in divorce. He had five sons, two of whom predeceased him, and his relationship with each of them was difficult. His grandson, J. Paul Getty III, was kidnapped in Italy in 1973. Although he was returned for a ransom, part of his ear had been cut off. Getty was a celebrity, and public interest, fueled by envy and admiration, focused on Getty's tragedies as well as his billions.
Besides oil, Getty's major interest was art. He began serious collecting in the 1930s - European paintings, furniture, Greek and Roman sculptures, 18th-century tapestries, silver, and fine Persian carpets, including the 16th-century Ardabil carpet from Tabriz. He housed his collection at Sutton Place and at his ranch house at Malibu, California, one wing of which he opened as the J. Paul Getty Museum in 1954. In 1969 construction began on a new Getty Museum, also on his Malibu property. The huge building is a replica of an ancient Roman villa found near the ruins of Pompeii, and the extensive Getty collection was moved thereafter his death.
Jean Paul Getty died at Sutton Place on June 6, 1976; he is buried on his Malibu estate.
oil executive and art collector. Born in Minneapolis to a lawyer who turned a lease bought on a gamble into a successful oil company, J. Paul Getty, through his autocratic rule and skillful manipulation of the stock market, brought the Getty Oil Company to the status of an "eighth sister" among the giants in the business. But eight years after his death, the company became the subject of a fierce takeover battle and was eventually absorbed by Texaco.
The young J. Paul worked in the oil fields during school vacations as a general laborer, acquiring the hands-on experience he later found useful in his management of the company. After his father's death in 1930, he and his eighty-year-old mother battled for control of the family wealth. Sarah was skeptical of her son's practice of buying the stock of companies in shaky financial condition during the depression. To control his spending, and to preserve some of the wealth for future generations, his mother created the Sarah Getty Trust, which later became the subject of litigation among its beneficiaries. J. Paul's stock market speculation, however, proved to be a sound business strategy. It laid the foundation of what eventually became the billion-dollar Getty Oil empire, which included holdings in oil and natural gas, as well as gold and uranium mines, a copper deposit, vineyards, orchards, grazing lands, timberlands, refineries, and chemical plants.
As shrewd a businessman as Getty proved to be, he was unsuccessful in his personal life. Though he tried to emulate the Rockefellers and Kennedys, his own family was too fragmented and embattled to invite comparison. He had five sons by four wives and never invited his parents to any of his weddings. Similarly, he failed to attend his sons' weddings and even missed the funeral of his youngest son, Timothy. All of his surviving sons did a stint in the family business, but none lived up to his expectations. He changed his will twenty-one times, using it as a weapon to punish filial "disloyalty."
Getty spent the final twenty-five years of his life at his Sutton Place estate twenty miles from London, surrounded by double barbed-wire fences and patrolled by plainclothes guards and twenty-five German shepherd attack dogs. Yet he maintained firm control of his company, though fear of flying kept him from visiting the Los Angeles headquarters. Declared the richest man in the world by Fortune magazine in 1957, he was nevertheless tight with money: he installed a pay phone in his home, saved bits of string and was delighted when he had enough to tie up a parcel, and throughout his life washed his own underwear. Perhaps the most notorious example of his penny-pinching was his refusal to pay ransom for his grandson, J. Paul III, until finally the kidnappers cut off the boy's right ear.
Always an avid art collector, Getty left virtually his entire estate to the J. Paul Getty Museum Trust. Designed as a replica of a Roman villa, the Malibu museum houses paintings, sculpture, and eighteenth-century French furniture. Though the endowment has grown to $3 billion since Getty's bequest, making the collection one of the world's richest cultural institutions (its budget is roughly twenty-five times the New York Metropolitan Museum's), it has failed to monopolize the art market in the way many feared. Critics charge that the museum has not been aggressive in broadening its mediocre collection to include modern art, or pieces from periods other than what its founder collected, although its acquisition of van Gogh's Irises in 1990 was an important exception. The museum has also come under intense public scrutiny with questions about the authenticity of some of its recent purchases.
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