"My husband could have been African for all I care"

39-year-old Pamela Schoebel-Pattiselanno, who's father is Indonesian and mother is Chinese, met her German husband, Andreas Schoebel, 42, when she worked in Singapore for a German company. He was then her sales director.

Despite differences in culture and the difficulty of pursuing a long-distance relationship, the pair are now happily married and even held as an example of a couple with "rock-steady marriage" among their friends. So AsiaOne asked her if foreign was better.

Pamela shares her story:

"I met Andy in Singapore. He was my Sales Director from the German company I was working for. We've spoken on the phone with each other before, since we had sales conference calls every two months or so.

He appeared one day in the office, but it wasn't love at first sight. I thought him good looking and nice, but he lived in Germany, which was approximately 10,980 km away. It was too far!

Then we met again in Los Angeles a couple of months later at a conference. One thing led to another, but we didn't continue seeing each other after leaving LA. I guess it was on "neutral" grounds, and I didn't feel much of an attachment to him. He left after that, and so did I.

But when I came back to Singapore, he called me everyday.

Two weeks later, he decided to come back to Singapore to "prove" his intentions for me, and the romance began from there!

But when it came to dating, it's a bit hard when your boyfriend is in another country and you only get to see him every two months. and we dated for for a year and a half. It was then that I knew how far Singapore is from Germany! We would count down the distance, the months, the hours, the minutes and the seconds until we saw each other again. It was very trying attempting to quell an argument over the phone. It was emotionally very draining.

It was also not cheap travelling to and fro. Plus, can you imagine the house and handphone bills?

After a year and a half, he was back in Singapore, but getting ready to leave again. I was out in the living room, feeling particularly sad as he was going to leave. But he came to me, knelt on one knee and said: "Make me the happiest man and marry me, please."

I said "Yes, of course". But then came the doubts.

When I moved to Germany with him, the culture and the language were big barriers!

My husband runs his own IT company and cannot be with me often. Being a very open-minded person, I went out and found my own way. I went back to school, enrolled myself in German classes and graduated quite well.

But I always had problems when people looked at us. You see, there are many marriages here in Germany, with men who "buy" Thai women, like mail-order brides. I am quite tanned, so these Europeans think we are all the same. You can be a Korean, Japanese, Thai, Vietnamese or Chinese, but it doesn't matter as they have no idea what Asians look like.

I developed an inferiority complex, thinking that others might believe I was a 'bought' Thai woman. On a side note, these Germans who have Thai and Vietnamese wives who have a very big say in the women's lives here. I have heard some horror stories.

Having said that, I am blessed with a lovely family here. If it was not for my motherin-law, I would have left Germany in the first two years that I arrived.


The couple during a Chinese New Year celebration
But my husband and I have grown a lot since then. He is my rock and vice versa. We have been quoted as an example of a rock-steady marriage by friends. They say: "If Andy and Pam can work it out, then so can we, what with them being from opposite ends of the cultural divide."

Even then, I didn't know he was The One at first, until something happened four years ago after we were married. In fact, this is my second marriage. It was my father who encouraged me to marry Andy. He had met Andy at that time and knew that he would make me happy, unlike my ex-husband. I guess parents know what's best for their child!

But my mum, who is Chinese, did have her reservations. She cried a lot then. And my sister - I'm the youngest among three siblings, was upset too. But she had good reason, as she had just given birth to her first child. I extended my stay for another three months to be with her, but it was very hard to leave them.

I knew Andy was The One when I had some medical problems which left me infertile four years back. I was in and out of the hospital for about six weeks. It was not easy without your family by your side. During this trying time, Andy never wavered. He only grew stronger for the both of us and became unbelievably patient.

He actually told me that I was his heroine when I was back home recuperating! He showed renewed faith and respect for me, and also told me that he knew then that I was the woman he would grow old with, and hopefully we would die in each other's arms.

I don't think I have loved that fiercely before. What all those Hallmark cards say about love - it is true. Love is unconditional and does not judge.

Married life now is simply grand! We have settled into a groove, which I guess couples do after a while. We even look similar - like they say, we have fu qi xiang (compatible looks)!

But my family and friends here have played a big role in helping me assimilate into my new country. if I didn't have their support of them, our relationship might not have lasted. The biggest barrier was the language. Maybe you're not aware, but German isn't the easiest language to learn!

I became a German citizen two years ago, and I had no bad feelings leaving my Singapore passport behind. My father used to say - What's the difference? It's not like you would ever look German. And it's just travel documents!"

There was also another reason, albeit more minor - why I left HDB would not allow me to buy anything else except a three-room flat as I am not paying Singapore taxes and I contribute to the German system etc, so why should they give me priority?

So when i gave my passport back, I took back my money from CPF and we used that to buy a lovely house here, which we are moving into by next month. So yes, we are happy!

No, I don't think non-Singaporeans make for better life partners. It's who you are with that matters. I was married to a Singaporean Chinese-Eurasian, and that lasted about two years. Andy is circumstantial - he could have been African, for all I care!

I am the first foreigner Andy has ever dated, but he does not think about racial differences between us. I asked Andy for his thoughts earlier on whether a foreigner made for a better life partner. He said: "I only know ONE really well, besides your family, honey."

He thinks I am who I am, just slightly different because of my upbringing and culture.

He has learnt a lot about family ties from me - he supports and understands me 100 percent when it comes to sending money home to my parents every month. Sometimes, he thinks that Caucasians could learn a thing or two from Asians.

However, he believes that we have lots to learn from each other, and he knows that he and his family has changed their views as well since we got together and got married."