Sweaty palms? Sort of. A pounding heart? A bit. Even so, you’re still not completely sure there are sparks between you. Understandable: While it’d be nice to think that the earth moves and the angels sing when you’ve found The One, sometimes the signals that you two are truly meant for each other are much more subtle than that. Here are seven dead giveaways that singles often miss — know that if you spot one or more of them on your next date, that’s good news.
Subtle sign #1: You turn into a total klutz
So far, you’ve dropped your fork and knocked over your water glass…and that’s before the entrées have arrived. While embarrassing, these gaffes are actually a good sign. “When you have serious chemistry, your body produces elevated levels of the neurotransmitter norepinephrine,” says Helen Fisher, Ph.D., research professor of anthropology at Rutgers University. This, in turn, can make you jittery, uncoordinated, and a little accident-prone. And if you’re embarrassed by your klutziness, that’s a good sign too! Because if you don’t care what your date thinks of you, you probably don’t think much of your date.
Subtle sign #2: You notice a tiny dent in your date’s pinkie nail
Or that your date’s hair flips up on the left but under on the right. You’ve never noticed something like that about a person before, so why now? Because when there’s true chemistry, the body’s levels of the chemical dopamine rise and lead to “imprinting,” a theory of attachment discovered by German ethologist and Nobel Prize winner Niko Tinbergen. This imprinting makes you focus on this one person more clearly and notice the tiniest, most insignificant details about a person — including possessions. Says Dr. Fisher, “Your date’s car in the parking lot looks different. His or her backpack looks different. That person’s coat on the coat rack stands out. Everything is special, novel, unique.”
Subtle sign #3: You agree to split the spinach dip appetizer — and you don’t even like spinach dip!
True chemistry makes us more mellow than usual — so don’t be surprised if you find yourself being agreeable with your date in ways you might not with anyone else: You don’t mind walking 10 blocks with your date from your parking spot. You’re suddenly up for seeing a Rob Schneider movie. And even though you’re not a fan of Indian food, what the heck, you’ll give it another shot. “When you’re falling in love, you more easily surrender your boundaries because of a strong desire to merge with that person,” explains Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., author of Keeping the Love You Find.
Subtle sign #4: The room you’re in seems brighter than usual
Did someone nudge up the dimmer switch? Perhaps. But it could also mean you’re smitten, thanks to a physiological reaction discovered by University of Chicago biopsychologist Eckhard Hess, a pioneer in the area of “pupillometrics.” In short, Hess found that when people look at something or someone that causes positive feelings or sparks interest, their pupils dilate in an attempt to take in more of it, also letting in more light as well.
Subtle sign #5: You’re more fidgety during the date
If you find yourself stroking your own arm, tapping your leg, or otherwise fidgeting during the date, rest assured: Whether you fully know it or not, you like this person. “These are ‘displacement gestures’ — what you do when you’re trying to decide what to do with yourself,” explains Dr. Fisher. “If someone is smiling at you and you can’t decide if you should smile back or look away, you play with your hair. Or you run your tongue along your teeth.” This happens because your brain is over-stimulated, leading you to vent the extra energy with a little self-grooming. Some experts even argue that stroking your own arm or leg indicates a subconscious desire to reach out and touch the person you’re with.
Subtle sign #6: You keep forgetting there’s food on the table
When you’re out with someone who doesn’t float your boat, boy, do those garlic mashed potatoes taste good. But if you’re feeling a chemical attraction to someone, the food being served is the last thing on your mind — and not just because you’re nervous. Blame this on elevated levels of the neurotransmitter dopamine, which fuels feelings of desire. Higher levels of dopamine, according to Dr. Fisher, “give you a feeling of lightness, increased energy and a feeling of minor ecstasy. And you’re definitely not hungry!” So if your date seems disappointed that you only ate four bites of your steak, you can clear it up later by explaining what a five-star sign it really is.
Subtle sign #7: You feel more “familiar” with your date than “lusty”
Sure, most people think it’s a good sign when they want to jump over the table and rip their date’s clothes off. But let’s be honest—there are plenty of acquaintances you’ve wanted to do that to, and there was no deeper, underlying chemistry there. A stronger sign is that instead of feeling lust for your date, you’re overwhelmed by a feeling of familiarity — a sense of, “Gosh, I feel like I’ve known you before.” The chemistry at work, says Dr. Hendrix, “is due to the emotional center in your brain’s limbic system recognizing qualities in the person that resemble qualities about the caretakers we had during childhood.” For example, a man might recognize a feeling of being at ease and nurtured the way his mother made him feel. A woman might feel comfortable with the dry humor of her date, similar to the way her father interacted with her. “This intense familiarity triggers the release of dopamine, which can lead to that ‘Wow’ feeling,” explains Dr. Hendrix. Oh, and by this point, it’s also definitely OK to want to jump over the table and rip your date’s clothes off!
Saturday, October 2, 2010
10 fascinating flirting facts
So you’ve mastered the art of eye contact and can beckon a romantic prospect with just a few coy glances… but do you really know all there is to know about the fine art of flirting? Just to make sure you’re up to speed, we culled some very surprising information that you can use to your advantage. Read on for some juicy tidbits that may up your meet-cute quotient in no time.
1. Flirting is good for you. Studies show that people who flirt have higher white blood-cell counts, which boost both immunity and health.
2. Think batting your eyelashes is enough? Wrong! All told, scientists say there are 52 “flirting signals” used by humans. Of these, the hair-flip technique is the most common.
3. In some places, flirting is illegal. In Little Rock, AR, an antiquated law is still on the books warning that engaging in playful banter may result in a 30-day jail term. In New York City, another outdated law mandates that men may be fined $25 for gazing lasciviously at a female; a second conviction stipulates the offender wear a pair of blinders whenever he goes out for a walk.
4. Why wait for Friday? Lots of people get their flirt on during their morning commute. A full 62 percent of drivers have flirted with someone in a different vehicle while on the go, and 31 percent of those flirtations, it turns out, resulted in a date.
5. Flirting need not occur face to face. According to the Pew Research Center, 40 percent of people who look for love online say they can easily flirt with someone via email or IM.
6. In the Victorian era, fans were the ultimate playful props that could communicate all sorts of messages. A fan placed near the heart meant “You have won my love.” A half-opened fan pressed to the lips was an invitation, saying, “You may kiss me.” Hiding the eyes behind an open fan meant “I love you,” while opening and closing the fan several times was a chastisement, implying, “You are cruel.” Given how much a fan could come in handy, it’s a shame they ever invented air conditioning.
7. These days, cell phones do the flirting for you. In one survey, half of all mobile phone users have texted flirty messages to keep things interesting while separated from their amour.
8. Watch out; you can overdo it. According to the Social Issues Research Centre, the most common mistake people make when flirting is maintaining too much eye contact.
9. Sometimes, flirty gestures aren’t what they seem to be. Research has shown that men tend to routinely mistake friendly behavior for flirting.
10. Flirting is universal. A woman living in New York City and one in rural Cambodia may not have much in common, but when it comes to attracting a little attention, they both employ the very same move: smiling, arching their eyebrows, then averting their gaze and giggling. Animals flirt, too: birds, reptiles, and even fish have their own way of making romantic advances. The moral of the story: If the simple sea bass can act cute in order to further a romantic agenda, you can, too — so give it a go!
1. Flirting is good for you. Studies show that people who flirt have higher white blood-cell counts, which boost both immunity and health.
2. Think batting your eyelashes is enough? Wrong! All told, scientists say there are 52 “flirting signals” used by humans. Of these, the hair-flip technique is the most common.
3. In some places, flirting is illegal. In Little Rock, AR, an antiquated law is still on the books warning that engaging in playful banter may result in a 30-day jail term. In New York City, another outdated law mandates that men may be fined $25 for gazing lasciviously at a female; a second conviction stipulates the offender wear a pair of blinders whenever he goes out for a walk.
4. Why wait for Friday? Lots of people get their flirt on during their morning commute. A full 62 percent of drivers have flirted with someone in a different vehicle while on the go, and 31 percent of those flirtations, it turns out, resulted in a date.
5. Flirting need not occur face to face. According to the Pew Research Center, 40 percent of people who look for love online say they can easily flirt with someone via email or IM.
6. In the Victorian era, fans were the ultimate playful props that could communicate all sorts of messages. A fan placed near the heart meant “You have won my love.” A half-opened fan pressed to the lips was an invitation, saying, “You may kiss me.” Hiding the eyes behind an open fan meant “I love you,” while opening and closing the fan several times was a chastisement, implying, “You are cruel.” Given how much a fan could come in handy, it’s a shame they ever invented air conditioning.
7. These days, cell phones do the flirting for you. In one survey, half of all mobile phone users have texted flirty messages to keep things interesting while separated from their amour.
8. Watch out; you can overdo it. According to the Social Issues Research Centre, the most common mistake people make when flirting is maintaining too much eye contact.
9. Sometimes, flirty gestures aren’t what they seem to be. Research has shown that men tend to routinely mistake friendly behavior for flirting.
10. Flirting is universal. A woman living in New York City and one in rural Cambodia may not have much in common, but when it comes to attracting a little attention, they both employ the very same move: smiling, arching their eyebrows, then averting their gaze and giggling. Animals flirt, too: birds, reptiles, and even fish have their own way of making romantic advances. The moral of the story: If the simple sea bass can act cute in order to further a romantic agenda, you can, too — so give it a go!
The science behind love at first sight
From the moment she set eyes on him, she adored him. Wanting only to be near him, to lavish her affection on him, she followed everywhere he went. The sound of his voice made her bark.
Bark? Novelist and animal behaviorist Elizabeth Marshall Thomas was describing her pug dog, Violet, who was in love with her other pug, Bingo.
Animals love. Animal literature is full of descriptions of love at first sight, actually. When Tia, a female elephant living in the Amboseli National Park in Kenya, came into heat (or estrus), she was followed by a coterie of young males. Tia would not cooperate. But the moment Bad Bull swaggered into view, head high, chin tucked in, ears intensely waving, trunk aloft, and doing his courtship strut, Tia changed her elephant mind. Holding her ears high in a pose meant to draw his attention, she stared at him with the prolonged “courting gaze,” then turned and began to move slowly away, glancing repeatedly to see if this mature male was following. Tia and Bad Bull remained inseparable for the duration of her estrus.
Instant attraction across the animal kingdom
Scientists and naturalists have recorded this instant attraction phenomenon in hundreds of species. Throatpatch and Priscilla, two orangutans; Alexander and Thalia, two baboons; Skipper and Laurel, two beavers; Misha and Maria, two Huskies; Satan and Miff, two chimps: these and many other creatures have taken an instant liking to one another. As Charles Darwin wrote of two ducks, “it was evidently a case of love at fist sight, for she swam about the newcomer caressingly… with overtures of affection.”
How we came to fall in love fast
You and I have inherited the brain circuitry for this instant attraction, what has become known as “love at first sight.” This spontaneous passion comes from our primordial past when, like other mammals, our female forebears had a monthly period of heat. Like all mammals that have only a few hours, days or weeks to procreate, these ancestors had to become attracted quickly. They couldn’t spend two months or two years discussing their suitor’s career and family plans. They had to meet and produce offspring fast.
Today, first meetings are still crucial. With little or no knowledge of this stranger, we tend to weigh heavily those few traits we first encounter. Based on these morsels of information, we almost instantly form a strong opinion of him or her, generally within the first three minutes. Thomas Jefferson fell in love with Maria Cosway in an afternoon, probably within minutes of meeting.
Who falls faster: the male or the female?
Indeed, men tend to fall in love faster than women do, probably because their brain circuitry for romantic love is more quickly triggered by visual cues. But any of us can walk into a crowded room, talk for only minutes with a someone new, and either feel that “chemistry” — or “know” there could be chemistry down the road.
But is this attraction love or lust? Actually, these feelings involve very different brain networks. You can have physical intimacy with someone you are not “in love” with, and you can be passionately in love with someone you have never kissed. But these brain circuits can trigger one another, leaving you wondering for a moment if your attraction is purely physical.
Can immediate attraction last?
You will know if your passion is love or lust with your answer to just one simple question: “What percentage of the day and night do you think about him or her?” Romantic love is an obsession. It can happen in a moment, but when it strikes, you can’t get your new beloved off your mind. And this instant passion can last — sometimes for many years.
“The loving are the daring,” wrote poet Bayard Taylor. We are all daring; we can’t help ourselves. Millions of years ago humanity evolved three powerful brain systems for courtship and reproduction: the libido, romantic attraction, and feelings of deep attachment. The libido evolved to drive us to reproduce with a range of partners, but romantic love evolved to enable us to focus our energy on just one, The One. This passion is intricately orchestrated, at least in part, by the activity of a powerful chemical, dopamine. And this potent brain circuit lies dormant in each of us, sleeping like a cat with one eye open, waiting for the right moment to erupt.
Indeed, feelings of intense romantic passion can awaken the first moment you see someone who fits within your mental concept of the perfect partner — love at first sight.
Bark? Novelist and animal behaviorist Elizabeth Marshall Thomas was describing her pug dog, Violet, who was in love with her other pug, Bingo.
Animals love. Animal literature is full of descriptions of love at first sight, actually. When Tia, a female elephant living in the Amboseli National Park in Kenya, came into heat (or estrus), she was followed by a coterie of young males. Tia would not cooperate. But the moment Bad Bull swaggered into view, head high, chin tucked in, ears intensely waving, trunk aloft, and doing his courtship strut, Tia changed her elephant mind. Holding her ears high in a pose meant to draw his attention, she stared at him with the prolonged “courting gaze,” then turned and began to move slowly away, glancing repeatedly to see if this mature male was following. Tia and Bad Bull remained inseparable for the duration of her estrus.
Instant attraction across the animal kingdom
Scientists and naturalists have recorded this instant attraction phenomenon in hundreds of species. Throatpatch and Priscilla, two orangutans; Alexander and Thalia, two baboons; Skipper and Laurel, two beavers; Misha and Maria, two Huskies; Satan and Miff, two chimps: these and many other creatures have taken an instant liking to one another. As Charles Darwin wrote of two ducks, “it was evidently a case of love at fist sight, for she swam about the newcomer caressingly… with overtures of affection.”
How we came to fall in love fast
You and I have inherited the brain circuitry for this instant attraction, what has become known as “love at first sight.” This spontaneous passion comes from our primordial past when, like other mammals, our female forebears had a monthly period of heat. Like all mammals that have only a few hours, days or weeks to procreate, these ancestors had to become attracted quickly. They couldn’t spend two months or two years discussing their suitor’s career and family plans. They had to meet and produce offspring fast.
Today, first meetings are still crucial. With little or no knowledge of this stranger, we tend to weigh heavily those few traits we first encounter. Based on these morsels of information, we almost instantly form a strong opinion of him or her, generally within the first three minutes. Thomas Jefferson fell in love with Maria Cosway in an afternoon, probably within minutes of meeting.
Who falls faster: the male or the female?
Indeed, men tend to fall in love faster than women do, probably because their brain circuitry for romantic love is more quickly triggered by visual cues. But any of us can walk into a crowded room, talk for only minutes with a someone new, and either feel that “chemistry” — or “know” there could be chemistry down the road.
But is this attraction love or lust? Actually, these feelings involve very different brain networks. You can have physical intimacy with someone you are not “in love” with, and you can be passionately in love with someone you have never kissed. But these brain circuits can trigger one another, leaving you wondering for a moment if your attraction is purely physical.
Can immediate attraction last?
You will know if your passion is love or lust with your answer to just one simple question: “What percentage of the day and night do you think about him or her?” Romantic love is an obsession. It can happen in a moment, but when it strikes, you can’t get your new beloved off your mind. And this instant passion can last — sometimes for many years.
“The loving are the daring,” wrote poet Bayard Taylor. We are all daring; we can’t help ourselves. Millions of years ago humanity evolved three powerful brain systems for courtship and reproduction: the libido, romantic attraction, and feelings of deep attachment. The libido evolved to drive us to reproduce with a range of partners, but romantic love evolved to enable us to focus our energy on just one, The One. This passion is intricately orchestrated, at least in part, by the activity of a powerful chemical, dopamine. And this potent brain circuit lies dormant in each of us, sleeping like a cat with one eye open, waiting for the right moment to erupt.
Indeed, feelings of intense romantic passion can awaken the first moment you see someone who fits within your mental concept of the perfect partner — love at first sight.
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